Words of Wisdom
Calm: A Need Not a Luxury
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Ahhh. Calm. It’s essential. It’s essential for growing, good relationships, and creativity. These days we may need a plan to arrive at calm. We can plug neuroscience in here but that can be a rabbit trail when making a case for calm. Just now, we don’t want our minds in over-drive. It boils down for our purposes to know what allows you to feel safe. Safety makes way for calm to arrive. So, what brings you to a sense of safety? Write it down. For me it’s the steadiness of waves. Observing wind through the trees. Thinking of people who love me. Watching snow fall. Hearing birds. Relaxing after a walk. Prayer. Seek calm. It is not a luxury. It is essential.
Grieving During Christmas
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
1. Be honest about your grief. 2. Include your loved one in the holiday. Stories shared help include their significance to you. 3. Rituals can be renegotiated. 4. Pay attention to the children. 5. Don’t be surprised at what triggers your grief. 6. Others may not fully understand your grief...let your grief be what it is. 7. Have an exit strategy for yourself. 8. Some obligations you cannot back out of. Simple statements like “I am just stopping for a quick visit, ” will help you have good boundaries. 9. Remember the word “no” is a complete sentence.
A Place at the Table - Part 1
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Dinner time, especially with children, can sometimes be interesting and a place to learn and grow. When our oldest was about eight years old, she went through a phase. Here is her story In her own words: "I went through a stretch of time where I dropped my fork every night at dinner. Sometimes I would go through three forks in a single sitting! Of course, catching the fork on its way down never once occurred to me. I preferred to sit there, stupified, watching the fork bounce from lap to chair to rung to floor. Out of desperation to keep the silverware somewhat intact, my father stepped in to help and we had "Reflex Bootcamp". Forks, spoons, and dinner knives were lined up in a row on the table. A single utensil was flicked off, and he demonstrated how to catch it. My turn. We practiced the basics: The Grab, The Leg Press, The Arm Clutch, The Big Squeeze, and The Pluck. Eventually, through intensive reflex training, parental patience, and four drawers worth of silverware, I learned to catch (and not drop!) my utensils." When loved ones are going through tough times, we can do our best to equip them with skills and resources. Struggles can isolate us from the very people who can best help and encourage. But like a fork dropping to the hardwood floor, our struggles are rarely completely secret from those who love us. There is no shame in reaching out for support and guidance. Oftentimes by learning new skills and knowledge, we can be properly equipped to face our problems--and our silverware--and be wiser afterwards. Even now, at the drop of a fork, my oldest can perfectly execute The Big Squeeze.
Messy
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If appropriate and called upon, figure out how to bring grace and truth to a messy situation. However, watch your boundaries.
Masks
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
One of the best memories from my favorite childhood vacation place is hanging over the edge of a dock staring into the water. Our faces were reflected perfectly in calm water and distorted in rough water. The same is true of our heart. If our heart is in a storm, it is reflected in our countenance. If we experience a calm heart, our face reveals the same. Remember, whatever is in our heart will be reflected on our face. Honesty involves allowing our internal experience to match our outward expression. Masks may be appropriate at times but not often or always. Healing comes in a setting of those we have come to know we can be honest with…storm or calm.
Relief
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Sometimes we can feel overwhelmed and burdened--like the whole world rests on our shoulders. What a relief to realize that we are not responsible for everyone and everything. We are only responsible for what is ours to be responsible for - no more and no less.
Seasonal Moods
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
With the season and weather change often comes a change of mood or outlook. Some people enjoy the fall change, some people don't, but regardless, we're all affected by it. Anyone that lives above 73 degrees latitude will likely experience some mood lowering during these next few months. This is a documented occurrence and isn't something we just need to "grin and bear." Consider talking to your doctor about taking a supplement or using a vitamin D lamp for yourself and family. Your body, mind, and everyone around you will thank you for it!
Forgiveness
Cheryl Welch, BSN, RN, M.S., LPC
Forgiveness is a choice. Forgiveness does not mean we forget the experience or the wrong that was done. Forgiveness does not mean that we must trust that person to do the right thing in the future. It does mean that we have processed the alternatives of being angry and holding grudges, and decide to let go of the anger, which in turn limits the expended energy we waste on the topic of the wrongdoing. When you are holding a grudge against a loved one, a close friend, a relative, etc., try to process why it is important for you to hold on to your anger and unforgiveness, and figure out how to forgive. Life is short and we do not know when that person we are angry at may die, or when we will take our last breath, then it is too late, leaving the survivors to think about how they should have worked through the issue with the deceased. Figure out how to let go of your anger. Learn how to forgive. You might find your shoulders aren’t so tense, your thoughts are not constantly spinning around about the wrongdoing, and you are not triggered so easily toward anger. Forgiving is your choice.
Listen and Learn
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Want to know about someone’s character? Listen to how they talk about people they disagree with.
Getting Even
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If we harbor thoughts of getting even with people, those targeted in our minds gain control over us.
Patient Improvement
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Having had ancestors who were farmers, it taught me a lot to listen to them talk about growth patterns. Much of the growth begins underground where it is not initially seen. Farmers wait patiently for seeds to sprout, then for improvement in the size of the plant, and the harvest to ripen. Our internal grow is much the same - not initially noted. Yet seeds planted over time sprout new patterns of thinking, leading to healthier behaviors. The harvest is rich. Focus on patiently improving rather than immediate change.
A Rigged Game
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Unless we are careful, we can fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others. Someone else’s accomplishments, regardless of how they compare to your own, do not take anything away from you. Dr. Jordan Peterson, renowned psychologist and professor at the University of Toronto, explains why comparing yourself to others is not beneficial. No one has the exact same strengths, weaknesses, experiences, or circumstances other than you. Comparing yourself to someone else is playing a rigged game. The only person you can properly compare yourself to is you.
Kindness and Patience in Transition
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We are in a season of transition. Right now it's back to school time and the weather is changing. Whether you're experiencing changes you consider positive or negative, change always takes energy. If your kids have gone back to school, it's normal for them to have trouble regulating their emotions when they get home. So be kind and patient. If your kids have gone back to school it's normal for you to feel out of sorts. So be kind and patient. If you don't have the kids thing going on it's still fall. And fall brings all sorts of changes. There's less light. People have a different kind of busy. It's normal to feel different and even tired as you adjust to the changes. So be kind and patient. Bottom line: However you and others are feeling is normal and kindness and patience is the way to go.
Anger
Cheryl Welch, BSN, RN, M.S., LPC
Anger is an emotion that each of us have experienced in our lifetime. It seems to be the first emotion grabbed out of the emotional toolbox. Many of us may tend to blame another person or the situation as being the cause of our anger. Would it surprise you to know that you have a choice what emotion you will use, and others can’t make you feel the way you do? You choose your emotion! No one else or thing can make you angry. I am not saying that a person should not ever be angry. I am saying each of us needs to own our emotions and manage our feelings of anger more effectively. If you are an individual who believes they thrive on being angry, please reconsider your stance. Constant feelings of anger increase stress, negatively affect relationships, cause health issues (high blood pressure, headaches, stomach issues, etc.), affect critical thinking skills, and quite frankly can exhaust a person. Take some deep breaths, become mindful of the situation you are in, and determine if you really need to be angry or just be present in the experience. If you want to be present in the experience, take some deep breaths and count your teeth, then choose patience or kindness. If you cannot let go of being angry, I would encourage you to reach out for support and counseling to address past hurts that may keep you stuck in your anger.
What Has a Hold on You?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Is there something you are holding on to that actually is holding on to you? What is it? Look at it. Is it doing any good to hold on to it? Is it truly protecting you, or keeping you safe in some way? Or is it putting part of you in a dark place? If you are holding on to something that no longer applies to you living a healthy life, let go. Let the light in. Open your hands and heart for healing. It’s time. God loves you.
Quiet Time
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
One of my favorite times of the day is early morning. The house is quiet. Coffee is in the cup. The only things alive and moving are the birds. This time is restorative, reflective, and renews me for the day ahead. Some of you know what I am talking about. Others may like to do this later at night after others in the house have gone to bed. No matter when or how, time to restore, reflect, and renew are necessary for our sense of well-being. Enjoy some quiet time today!
Stay Aware & Be Adventurous
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Recently, I had the pleasure of meeting an adventurist. She traveled throughout the world hiking through desert canyons, climbing mountains, and cycling across continents. She shared with me some of the challenges she faced and how she overcame obstacles. She enjoys the challenge of pushing her body to the extreme. However, she ignores her physical pain - the body’s signal that something is wrong and needs attention. The ability to ignore pain can be helpful in extreme situations. Left unchecked, our ability to ignore pain can become dangerously automatic. This can escalate to ignoring intense emotional pain. When ignoring acute or chronic pain becomes the norm, individuals can find themselves in toxic relationships and/or toxic situations.
Learning to Relax
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
There's a part of our brain that we can liken to a fire alarm. This part of us is always scanning our environment for danger. This is also the part that gets us stressed out. And when this part is triggered the muscles of our body tense. It might be different muscles for different people but there is always some sort of tension. An exercise that we can do to reduce our own anxiety and stress levels is to notice where the tension is in our body - and then to intentionally relax those muscles. If you're struggling to do this, constrict those muscles for 5 seconds and then let go and they should relax. Then, take a few good deep breaths, tell yourself some good, true things, and feel the stress leave your body.
How Can I Communicate Effectively
Cheryl Welch, BSN, RN, M.S., LPC
Have you ever wondered why you at times feel like you are not being heard or understood? Do you ever find yourself getting angry in conversations or feeling attacked? Take a moment to think about how a topic is approached. Are there swear words used to get one’s thoughts and opinions across to the other person? Do you start with accusations and saying “you”? I would encourage you to USE YOUR WORDS and OWN what you are saying! Approach a difficult topic owning your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, wants, needs, etc. Begin the discussion with “I” statements. I would encourage you to eliminate the swear words as they really don’t provide insight into the discussion, except that you are angry or have a limited vocabulary. Never MINDREAD! Always allow the other person opportunity to share their perspective on the topic and own what they feel, think, need want, etc. Gaining understanding and agreeing to disagree (when appropriate) is more effective in relationship building than always having to be right.
Emotional Intelligence
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
One definition: The ability to recognize emotion in yourself and others. It is something some have naturally and others genuinely do not. Emotional intelligence can be used for good or not so good just like other forms of insight and understanding. Studies indicate it can be learned to a degree. However, not everyone has it as in not every person is skilled in math. If you have it, use EI responsibly. If you don’t have it, look to learn it and use it well.
The Call of Wisdom
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Did you know wisdom calls to you? Yup...her voice is continuous and unending. She asks you for a listening ear, challenges you to nurture understanding, and remain willing to receive correction. You have three choices: You can ignore her, turn on her in contempt, or turn toward her to receive what she has to offer. It’s your choice.
Without Regret
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Once a year, my family and I go to a remote place to where my aunt lives. Although the drive is much longer than the actual time we spend with her, those visits are precious and always memorable. We are enjoying her while we can. There are no regrets. Whenever any of us takes the time to visit with a loved one, it is time well spent and there are no regrets.
Breathe - Yes Breathe!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Are you breathing? That may seem like a funny question but I think many of us would be surprised by how often we hold our breath. And then, if you take time to notice when you are breathing, how shallow are your breaths? The majority of us breathe very shallowly most of the time. This communicates to our nervous system that we should be stressed out. And we probably are stressed out, and that's why we're breathing short. The thoughts and the breathing reinforce each other. We can stop the stressed-out cycle by taking a moment and breathing deeply. So, go ahead and care for yourself today by remembering to simply breathe.
The Benefits of Laughter
Cheryl Welch, BSN, RN, M.S., LPC
We all experience stress in our lives. When you are feeling stressed, don’t reach for a medication or pill, but take time to just laugh. A good old belly laugh will release your own endorphins while stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) decrease. The problems may not disappear, but you will find a different way of seeing them and may create solutions. Use laughter to interrupt the cycle(s) of stress.
Grumbling
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There is a grumbling that some do for fun or for an attempt to vacate bad feelings: usually when the subject isn't present and others are. It doesn’t work for you to express personal disgust with something or someone that “hits you wrong.” Grumbling and bad mouthing simply magnifies negativity back to you and to anyone who hears it.
Finding Courage
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
On a recent trip out west, my daughter asked if she could ride a bull. Thinking it was a mechanical bull in which there was padding all around and plenty of safety precautions, Dad said yes. It was not until we were in the stands waiting for her in which we realized it was not a mechanical bull. We watched breathlessly as she climbed on the real bull and waited as more experienced riders tied her rope. The bull had an unusually large hump, so it ended up taking three other riders to tie the rope correctly. All the while, my anxiety was rising; she appeared to be calm. Although the ride only lasted three seconds before she was thrown off, it was long enough for me. Afterward, I asked her if she was afraid at all when she was on the bull. She answered, “yeah, I was afraid but I just decided to find the courage to overcome my fear.” Seems like good advice - to focus on increasing courage to overcome obstacles instead of trying to decrease the fear of an obstacle.
Stewardship
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Hearing the word stewardship brings to mind appropriate principles in the obtaining and maintaining of healthy finances. However, relationships need the same care, planning, and wise decisions to keep them healthy. Flourishing relationships involve appreciation, thoughtful planning along with a growing awareness of needs, values, and negotiation of stressors along the way. How are you doing?
Stop and Breathe
Cheryl Welch, BSN, RN, M.S., LPC
When you have those moments you feel stressed and anxious, take a few seconds and breathe. Then count your teeth with your tongue. This process can bring focus and decrease the anxiety. Try it!!
We Need Sleep
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
How's your sleep? Adults need between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night to be physically and mentally healthy. (Kids and teens need more.) If you're going through a stressful period or are female, you likely need closer to nine hours. The best way to figure out how much sleep you need is to go to sleep at the same time for a couple nights in a row and then see what time you naturally wake up. When we don't get enough sleep we don't just feel tired the next day but our brains aren't able to function at full capacity. Sleep helps us keep whatever new information we learned the day before and it helps us be emotionally regulated. These are just two of the benefits of getting enough sleep. Find out how much sleep you need to be fully rested and enjoy the benefits!
Laughter as Medicine
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Studies suggest that humor and laughing have good things in store for us mentally and physically. These two things can relieve pain, strengthen the immune system, help with stress, and make people contact very pleasant. Let’s seek humor and laughter every day. It’s good for us.
Diligent
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A “diligent” person...to be “diligent” means we take painstaking effort at something or with someone. Diligence relationally means we make great effort to learn about or be with another as the relationship develops. Not knowing the future while remaining diligent is the foundation of our growth toward and with our loved one. It is our conscious choice to focus forward toward what this unique partnership can be.
No Texting!
Cheryl Welch, BSN, RN, M.S., LPC
Texting has become a way of life, but can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, judgments, and the list goes on. When there is a serious topic you want to cover with someone, get on the phone and call them or talk to them in person. Texting leaves interpretation of the message by the receiver and not the intent of the sender. Personal contact provides opportunity to actually hear the words spoken, to clarify meaning, and to come to an understanding of intent.
Perfectionism Is Not A Strength
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Over the years, I have had the privilege of counseling many talented and gifted men, women and children. An all too-common concern is perfectionism. Perfectionism chokes off dreams and aspirations. It comes with the unrealistic idea that we have to get everything right the first time. Learning, growing, and changing is all a process. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and not get things right the first time.
Hold the Line
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We all have situations in our life that are just difficult. And sometimes we get so tired and we just want to give up, give in, or go back to the old way of doing things. We wonder whether it's worth the fight or not. But it is. It always is. We can never forget this. In most situations it only takes one person to be a catalyst for change in our own lives and the lives of others. If you're tired, that's okay but don't lose the ground for which you fought so hard. Hold the line!
I Just Had a Fender Bender
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Truly, three hours ago. My fault entirely. I realize in this that I’ve grown. I’m analyzing but not overly so. I’m not obsessing about what’s next. I’m letting go and looking at what God has for all concerned. I’m looking forward to a nice day. Phew. That took a lot of years! Thanks God!
Relational Adventure
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
People go to great lengths in relationship to maintain what they believe to be true about their perspective and experience. Natural as it is to preserve what we believe to be true, it can also deny the very experience and perspective of someone we love. Acknowledging what is valid about another experience does not negate your own. What it does provide an open door to learn additional perspectives and options for resolutions. Look at it as an adventure! One in which both are validated and may receive some of which is desired.
Honesty a
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
I think we have all learned about the importance of honesty. The most important person to be honest with is yourself. Honesty is closely related to being open to constructive criticism. Without being honest with yourself, it is difficult to grow and change.
If Only...a
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
If only he would get his act together. If only she would knock it off. If only I had a different job. At any point in our lives we can probably come up with some sort of "if only" statement that we feel would make our lives better. However, as we all know, we rarely have all that we want. So, instead of hanging all our hopes on these if's we can be proactive in caring for our self and bringing ourselves a sense of stability. This involves learning how to walk in our integrity. This means focusing on ourselves and how we want to be and act regardless of the situation... This way, at the end of the day, we can look in the mirror and be proud of how we've handled things.
Shame and Shutdown
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
“Shame is a natural reaction to being violated or abused. In fact, abuse, by its very nature, is humiliating and dehumanizing.” (Kaufman) This is especially true with nasty group or individual opinions (bullying) and so-called minor sexual violations. The feelings of being defiled, while simultaneously experiencing the indignity of being at the mercy of another person, are enough for many to shut down standing up for one’s self for a very long time.
Long Life
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Remaining positive in our dog-eat-dog kind of world is no easy task. Studies in the field of neuroscience tell us that giving to others increases our ability to live longer, think happier thoughts, increases our self-esteem and physically improves our health. Focusing on your blessings and ways we can give to others takes on many forms. Verbal blessings, monetary gifts, practical provisions, spiritually extending mercy and grace. All of these help our brains function at an optimal level. We all have days of anxious thoughts and concerns. This is normal and understandable. True contentment focuses on what we have that is good, acknowledging what we don’t have and freely giving what we can.
Emotions
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Current culture emphasizes a logical, rational way of thinking and being, and with good reason. Hotheads can get us into a lot of trouble. However, this has translated into a devaluing of emotion. Emotions are important though. We are all fueled by emotion, even the most rational person. Emotion is what brings vibrancy and depth to life. When we cut off or deny our emotions we lose out on the joy and the reality of living. No, it's not okay to let our emotions run us and it's not even important that we express them all the time. But what's important is that we notice them, care for them, and honor them. They are good information that tells us where we stand with ourselves and with other people and can help us make informed decisions about how to better our lives. When logic and emotion are paired together then we are fully alive.
Make a Commitment
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Here’s how you give and receive commitment: 1. Respond to bids to connect. Put down the phone, look and listen. 2. Work through struggles together with a team mentality. Keep a struggle as a thing to overcome together not a “whose to blame for this.” 3. Find a way to have fun occasionally even in the daily grind. These things work in relationships and in the workplace.
What People Need
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Dr. Caroline Leaf makes an amazing comment. “Every cell in our bodies is designed to respond to love.” As a cognitive neuroscientist, she understands the reality of what people need to thrive. Behaviors that help anyone thrive is those which originate in the positive existence of love. It is true we need love yet love is not always a global acceptance of all behavior or thoughts. Love means structure integrated with grace, discipline with patience, mercy with consequences, guidance with values, and much more. If every cell in our bodies is designed to respond to love, then true love involves rules with grace, patient discipline, consequences that encourage, and a value system designed to celebrate and respect differences. We could use more of this.
A Curious Case of Mistaken Identity: Knowing Who You Are
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
A few years ago, our oldest daughter was mistaken for someone else. The following is her recount of the incident in her own words: “During my second semester of college, I arrived at school late. I had my backpack, purse, lunchbox, and thermos firmly in hand as I blended into a crowd of 11-12 year olds who were on a field trip. I made it through the doors and tried to head down the main hallway to my classroom. A very dedicated elementary school teacher stopped me and insisted that I not leave the tour group. We argued back and forth, me wanting to get to my class and her firmly telling me to ‘put my backpack and lunch on the bus’ and ‘join the other kids’. (To be fair to the teacher, it should be understood that when I stand as straight and tall as I can, I barely measure five feet. So many of the young students were much taller.) After several minutes of arguing and her physically blocking my path, I won the argument by asking her if she’d taken attendance that morning (she had) and if she’d ever seen me before in her life (she hadn’t). I promptly stepped around her and headed off to my class.” Although humorous, this vignette demonstrates a few key points: Do not look to others to validate your identity. It is important to know who you are even when strangers are telling you that you are someone else. It is important to know your rightful place and proper path even when someone is trying to steer you wrong.
Be Kind to Yourself!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
The holidays are over and maybe you feel like you can breathe again. This period brings highs and lows, stresses and joys, and many more things than we are usually carrying. Whether the holidays were mostly positive or negative now is the time to focus on getting balanced again. January is an adjustment period. Be kind to yourself and others as you settle back into the normal routine.
Blame Does Not Heal
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Blame may help your hurting for a short time. It will not heal your unrest in the long run.
Aware
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Healing begins when we admit what we are doing that sets us up for relational pain or plain turmoil in life. I read the following earlier this year. “When you are amazed at the lengths to which you go to cover up your wrong actions, you are witness to your own selfishness in action.” Dear friends, be aware and choose wisely!
Your Best
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
You are worthy. You are significant. You are valuable beyond measure. And you are worth your best effort...in everything you do.
Love Others - Change Yourself
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
If you're up on any healthy relationship psychology at all then you will know that the only person you can change is yourself. We cannot change other people. However, we can have influence. And one of the best ways to have influence is to get out of the way. When we stop taking other people's consequences, they get to experience pain. And pain is a gift and a very powerful motivator for change. So, consider, have you been shielding anyone in your life from the consequences of unhealthy patterns? If you have….consider stopping. Chances are they will catch on very quickly and make healthier choices for the future. This is one of the best ways to love people!
Is Life Confusing?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are times in life when things seem confusing. The way out is not looking for what or who is wrong. If you wait and watch, a new way through is probably at hand.
Undermined
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The holiday season is in full swing. Being swayed by advertising, what others think or crave seemingly comes much easier. Identify and focus on what your core values are: honest exchanges of appreciation, enjoyable time with those you love, and so much more. This season passes quickly. Aid your ability to love freely, give generously as well as receive with a grateful heart. All the rest is designed to undermine our sense and confidence in what we hold true.
Building Fences...Pruning Hedges - Part 2
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
As with taking care of any plant, removing dead or damaged pieces is important for growing and healing. You are allowed to remove dead or damaging habits from your life. You are allowed to remove dead or damaging patterns from your life. You are allowed to remove dead or damaging relationships from your life. You are allowed to have your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no. You are allowed to become strong. You are allowed to become the best you can be. You are allowed to become excellent.
Heal Thy Brain
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
The brain is an amazing thing. Just as with a cut on our skin, our brain is wired to heal itself. And as we know with cuts, we need to clean them out, put ointment on them, and bandage them up. Similarly, the brain needs the right ingredients to heal. This includes finding healthy empathetic people, self-compassion, having a positive spiritual connection, and good self-care. Keep adding these things to your life so your brain and all its neural pathways can be healthy and strong.
Stress and Sleep
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
The average amount of sleep that a person needs is 7 to 9 hours. People who are stressed need more sleep. Regardless of where your stress is coming from, be sure to go slow and be kind to yourself and others. Stress and change are hard! Don't hold yourself and others to unreasonable standards. It is perfectly reasonable to rest more and take a break while you're adjusting to whatever it is that's going on in your life. Use this time to recover and to consider healthy changes that may need to be made.
Building Fences...Pruning Hedges - Part 1
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
It is said “good fences make good neighbors”. In some places, land is physically separated by a fence; this is a literal boundary. Establishing internal boundaries in relationships is as important as establishing external boundaries. With clearly defined standards for acceptable and respectful behavior, the relationship can blossom and develop. You are allowed to have your “yes” mean yes and your “no” mean no.You are allowed to become strong. You are allowed to become the best you can be. You are allowed to become excellent.
Enjoy Learning
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
One behavior or attitude that's proven to be encouraging is those who truly enjoy learning. Why? It shows they know they have much to learn, realize their limitations, and treat people around them with respect. I want to be one of those types of individuals. Enjoy learning from those around you.
A View From 30,000 Feet
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
As parents, we have one of the most valuable jobs in society. Children make mistakes that can have devastating consequences. Because we have more life experience, we are able to see the world from 30,000 feet in the air. As children grow, they are able to see their world from an ascending elevation of 1,000 feet. We are responsible to point out that actions have consequences. Our advice is valuable, built from years of personal experience and seeing others succeed and fail. We are equipping our children with their own flying instruments to navigate their lives. When we see a problem ahead, it is the responsibility of our children to listen to our advice and direction on handling or avoiding it. After all, we’re seeing the problem from 30,000 feet.
Love Your Anger?
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
I love anger. It's one of my favorite emotions. A lot of people think anger is bad but anger serves a very significant purpose. Anger is a message from our body and soul that something is off. Sometimes someone has stepped over our boundaries. Sometimes we're not operating in our own integrity. Sometimes an injustice has happened. Anger is typically a response to hurt and/or fear. It gives us the strength and drive to make a healthy change. So, next time that you get angry don't judge yourself. Ask yourself what is causing the anger and how can you use the strength that anger provides to make a positive change.
Wise Communication
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Interacting with those around us on a daily basis is automatic. To make talking simple, there are two choices we have. We can speak poison or life. Reality is, it’s our choice. This reality is sobering. It speaks to the truth that we make choices all day long. For those I care about, the choice carries great weight. Wise communicators will be intentional and cautious with what they say. Be conscious of this choice no matter the person you speak with.
You Are Being Watched
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
As a parent, have you ever felt as though your words have fallen on deaf ears? Even when our children do not seem to be listening to us or taking our advice—rest assured they are listening and watching. The words we speak and the tone of voice we use all matter. The memories of our words become imprinted on our children’s hearts. Our words have the power to encourage and discourage. We must choose our words carefully, wisely, and above all—lovingly.
Help Your Brain!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
I recently saw a picture comparing two brain scans. One brain criticized daily and the other practiced gratitude daily. Long story short, the brain that criticized had holes in it. The brain that practiced gratitude was full and lively. It just felt better to look at that brain. What we think about determines what we become. What are you dwelling on today? Consider making it the things you're thankful for.
Honoring Choices
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We have all been faced with situations where no matter what good is given, mean words and behaviors are returned. This type of individual seems invested in viewing good through the lens of suspicion. Just writing these words brings sadness of heart. Sadness in that they may not allow a life free of shame, cruelty, and fear. Honoring their choices may mean limiting oneself in contact with them. Honoring them may also mean ongoing compassion and kindness from a distance.
Competition/Comparison
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Competition and comparison can run rampant in your head. It is draining to sort out how to set yourself apart in a world full of people. The cure for this is to find out who you are specially made to be and get into alignment with it and your maker. It is a huge relief to do so.
A Word About Apologizing
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Apologizing is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strong character. Sometimes apologizing — not only for what we have done but for how it has affected the other person — improves relationships. A person’s strength of character is best seen with how mistakes or transgressions are handled.
Relationship Wisdom
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Relationships can be wonderful and they can be very difficult. When things are going well, be sure to take time to notice what's going well and the things you appreciate about the other person. That way, when it's difficult you'll have a store of positives to draw on. Gratitude and finding the good amidst the bad will help keep you from black and white thinking and help you both recover from stress and conflict sooner.
Choices
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Don't make decisions based on those who think the choice is a good one; base it on whether or not you will go against or for your conscience.
Forgiveness Means We Recognize Our Humanity
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If you are human, you will be less than perfect. You will hurt those you say you love with some consistency. To insist otherwise is to elevate yourself and your ways above another AND this stance is filled with pride, self-centeredness, and results in a very judgmental attitude. No one wants to be in relationship with someone who believes they are ALWAYS right/better than the other. Two things make us all equal: the reality of our humanity/sin and the availability of God’s grace. Dare to recognize your humanity.
You First
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Feeling overwhelmed? Overworked? Under appreciated? As schedules overflow, the first thing pushed aside is our self care. We make excuses for not exercising, eating poorly and being sleep deprived. While these seem to be solutions to our time crunch problem, our choices catch up with us, inevitably. Good self-care helps to prevent burnout, feelings of overwhelm, and actually helps us to be more productive. It gives us a chance to recharge, manage stress and gain a fresh perspective. So give yourself permission to make time for yourself and do something that is uplifting each day; go for a long walk, eat healthy and get some rest.
It's Summer!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
It's summer! And with summer comes transition. More time outside. Maybe kids at home. Schedule changes. Vacations. All change whether positive or negative takes psychological energy. Be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones during this period. Be patient and kind. Go slow. Don't pack your schedule - and give downtime before and after new things. And most of all, take time to be present and enjoy the season!
Can I Fix It?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Are you one of those who believe if you work hard enough toward a personal problem you can fix it? Some research indicates, for example, 35% of marital issues will not change. (Gottman, et.al.) If in fact this research is true, the axiom: “let go and let God” makes sense. Ramming at a marriage or other problem (the same way) over and over and over again does not help, is hard on you, and is hard on those you care about.
Dirty Feet: Relationship Toxicty
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
I was sharing some family struggles with a dear friend. She quietly pointed out the relationship was toxic to me. When we hear “toxic”, we usually think of something outside of us. To overcome the relationship toxicity, I had to construct physical and emotional boundaries between me and the other person. Although I could not change the other person (no matter how much I wanted to), I could only change my response. As Mahatma Gandhi commented, “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” We can consciously decide to not tolerate relationship toxicity.
If Only
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Phrases run through our minds that are a natural part of the grief process as well as a part of transitioning from one phase of life to another. One of those phrases begins with two words. “If only....” As natural as they are, lingering on these creates longings and behaviors not seen as healthy. Rehearsing the “If onlys” in our mind keeps us living in a fantasy world, lying to ourselves. Can “if onlys” be seen as a defense mechanism? Yes. However, without leaving this behind, we miss out on the blessings we have today. I much prefer celebrating the present than living in a fake world.
Real Freedom
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Real freedom is quoted by John Baker (founder of Celebrate Recovery) as being “..free to NOT do the things that keep us in bondage.” What keeps you in bondage metaphorically? Anxiety? Shame? Guilt? Pride? Dishonesty? I could go on and on. Real freedom is internal not external. We have to start somewhere. Start today, ask for help, stay honest, and walk in real freedom.
Navigating Relationships
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
All relationships with our loved ones give us high highs and low lows. And as with any bumpy ride having navigation help is a must. In our house we came up with this model: "Use words, Get space, Get help." If the first doesn't work, we move on to the next, and if that doesn't work, we move on to the one after that. This is a great way to help everyone we love, including us, feel heard, safe, and empowered.
You Are Loved
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The very thing that you think disqualifies you from God is a gateway to Him…including a deep, deep understanding of how much you are loved…
Wisdom's Voice
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We all know truth when we hear it. It’s the deep down inside voice that encourages us in the right direction. Reading about the relationship between a shepherd and his sheep, all the shepherd has to do is call or whistle for his sheep and they come running. I enjoy the picture as it reveals the dependence sheep have on their shepherds voice. My hope is we all develop a listening hear and quick response to wisdom's voice.
Being True to Who You Are
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
My grandmother was an easy person to be around. Those who knew her longer than I, said they never saw her depressed or anxious. I remember whenever we visited her, there would be a stream of guests. She had what we later called a “breakfast club” that consisted of friends and neighbors that would drop by for breakfast and conversation. She then branched out and had a “lunch club” also. My grandmother could easily express her opinions and listen to others. She was always authentic. Learning about who we truly are, our authentic self, is a process and it takes time to discover. Researchers from Harvard, Columbia and Northwestern collaborated to study authenticity. They found that when we behave in a way that goes against our true self, we tend to feel distraught and immoral; even when our behavior would not be defined as immoral. Furthermore, researchers discovered authentic people help others to be authentic. They are able to express their true feelings and opinions. Additionally, authentic people are able to listen to others without judgment. Perhaps that is why my grandmother was so easy to be around - you could be your true self; and express your own opinions without judgment.
Don't Panic!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Every day things happen and we respond. Sometimes they’re fun and positive and we feel good. Sometimes they’re dark and stressful and we feel down and under attack. When we encounter these things our bodies respond as if we are in danger. Our heart rates accelerate to above 90-100 beats per minute. This causes us to be in defense mode and we can’t think clearly. The best thing to do in this situation is to remember that “this is not an emergency” and to take at least five deep, belly breaths. We don’t have to react. We can get grounded and choose peace.
A Cup of Energy
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We need energy to survive. It’s why we eat when needed. There is a need too for emotional/ spiritual energy. That’s why we need rest, prayer, laughter and down time. We can’t give from an empty cup.
All Things Used
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Part of the growth process is the reality that any event or circumstance can be used for our betterment or our demise. Simplistic as it sounds, it is true. A disagreement, a job change, a move, or even a loss can prove to better us or embitter us. It’s not easy but the wisdom we gain is worth the price.
The True Winner
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
The true winner of any conflict is not the one who speaks the loudest, makes the most points, but the one who takes the highest moral plane.
Being Kind
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We all have anxiety, depression, and stress at one time or another in our lives. There are many things that can help alleviate these issues, one of which is self-compassion. When we are kind to ourselves it allows us to relax and to extend that kindness to others. When we can be kind to ourselves and others, it relieves the pressure of perfectionism. We no longer have to do everything right all the time and this therefore changes the things that we say to ourselves which contribute to our negative feelings. Find ways to say kind things and do kind things for yourself today and notice the difference.
Having An Argument?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Find a way to step away from the heat of it for twenty minutes. Give your body, mind, and spirit a break. One cannot be rational when the fight or flight hormones kick in.
Saying No to Yourself
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Candidly, I love saying yes to myself; yes to what I want to do, be, have, and where I wish to go. This is certainly doable. However, it is not beneficial. When one chooses this path, it means a life without deprivation. The end result may be to live a very self-focused, lonely life. Saying no to yourself is less lonely and brings balance to relationships, finances, health, and spiritual life.
Courage... (stand up)
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
As a mother, I have tried to teach my girls to stand up for themselves and others when need be. Additionally, I have tried to teach them to listen before they react because they may not know everything about the situation. In the words of Winston Churchill, " Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
Are You Breathing?
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Take a moment to notice what's going on in your body. What's your heart doing? How's your breathing? Are you calm inside or agitated? Checking in with our body can give us important information about what's going on inside us physically and emotionally. When you notice a higher heart rate, shorter breathing, and maybe muscle tension or a nervous stomach, take some deep belly breaths to calm yourself. Deep breathing helps us regulate ourselves, which changes our heart rate and body response and enables our mind to work more clearly.
Relationship Indicators
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are many indicators of friendship or family relationships going bad. Here are a few: 1. The goodness is gone. 2. There is an abundance of criticism. 3. It is all about the other person. However, when things are not satisfactory in friendship or family, these same indicators in reverse offer hope: 1. The habit of goodness and prayer is coming back. 2. Criticism is being replaced with each person owning their part of difficulties and saying so. 3. People share interest and responsibility in and with each other. It’s always good to look in the mirror to see if you are cultivating the former or the latter. Invite Jesus in to exactly where you are with what you see.
Attitude of Gratitude
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Early January is the time of year most people determine their personal or professional goals for the year. Blame it on age, if you wish, but a goal this year is to develop an attitude where I see and express thankfulness for who/what is in my life. This shift alone makes managing life much, much easier.
Stay Connected
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Over the holiday season, you may have had a chance to reconnect with family and friends. You may have promised “let’s get together again soon” or “let’s not wait a whole year.” Although it can be easy to allow busyness to interfere and another year to pass; may I encourage you to follow through, reach out and connect with those special family members and friends.
The Holidays are (almost) OVER!!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Whether this is a relief, a sadness, or bittersweet there is always a lot tied to this season. A lot of preparation, thought, emotion, get togethers, and parties. Now that it's over, take time to renew. Enjoy the positive memories, give grace to the negative, and rest in the present.
The Best Traits
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
When asked, college students have shared that the most wonderful people in their lives: "are generous, there when we have fallen, show a depth of kindness that inspires us, and laugh from a place of wisdom and peace." Most of us could share similar things about the people we trust and admire. Long lasting pleasure in life comes from living a life of meaning, compassion, and loving others despite our differences. Sounds like loving others as we love ourselves. Let us ask God to further develop these traits in ourselves.
The Fruit of Life
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Each fruit tree or bush has a particular DNA that reveals the fruit it provides. The same is true for people. The fruit of our lives will reveal our heart. What does the fruit of your life reveal about you?
A Simple Reminder
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
For years, clinical researchers have asserted that the psychological origin of anxiety is not FEELING connected to others. (As opposed to anxiety with a physiological origin) When in truth, we all have connections to God, family, friends, neighbors and coworkers whether we FEEL it or not. Sometimes a simple reminder to ourselves that we are connected to others in meaningful ways can lessen or alleviate our anxiety.
What You Say to Yourself Matters
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
The things we tell ourselves determine how we act and feel. For a few hours today notice what you tell yourself about yourself and about your life. If your thoughts are negative, you likely feel negative and then choose actions that support feeling negative. If you can balance and counter those thoughts with positive truths, then your actions and feelings can change, too, which will reinforce positive thoughts. The things we tell ourselves are so important! So, tell yourself many true positive things today and notice how your outlook changes.
The Problem With a Grudge
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Forgiveness unlocks the jail door that keeps relationships stuck. The problem with a grudge is, the person holding it does not tell the so-called offending person they are holding it. It’s a secret sentence. The opportunity for a forgiving exchange is not there. People who move on with one another, grudge or no grudge, move on in the following way: They believe that all people commit actions that require an apology: everyone does something wrong with each other from time to time. Successful “movers on” in relationships conclude that, in the end, the hurts from you should even out with the hurts directed toward you. It’s helpful to get an apology, but the wise person doesn’t sit there and wait for one to come without sharing the hurt. Assume the best. Open the jail door if you hold a grudge (because you are in the cell,) invite a dialogue if you are the holder of a grudge, or as a possible recipient of a grudge; believe until proven otherwise that no grudges have been assigned.
People of Conviction
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Convictions are born out of what we come to know as truth about life, ourselves, and others. Some may think we are crazy to hold fast to our beliefs and values. Despite the varied views abroad, trust what you have learned is true. Dare to be a person of conviction.
Close Enough
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
My father was a highly educated and accomplished man, particularly for his generation. Even so, there were no airs about him. He was very down to earth, friendly to everyone and easy to be around. One of the traits that made him so easy to be around was that he was not a perfectionist. My father did not require himself or others to be flawless. He easily laughed at his own mistakes, and was fond of saying, “close enough.” If we could all accept imperfections in ourselves and others, we would learn to complain less and laugh more. After all, it does not need to be perfect, it just needs to be “close enough.”
A Good Story!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We all came from somewhere and we're all headed in some direction. We all have a story and our stories determine who we are. Be courageous and own your story instead of hiding from it. Engage the pain, experience the joy, and use these things to become a well-developed character. After all, nobody likes a story with boring characters.
Take A Moment: PLEASE
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Moms are made to nurture. Often in the red zone of busy, moms really don’t care about stress reduction. Even in the most insane day, lots can be done to lower stress and it’s good to lower it for those you nurture and their nurturer; you. Repeat to an overflowing, even obnoxious to you degree, truth about you: *You are loved by God *God’s thoughts toward you are good and not evil *You are precious to God *Cast all of your cares upon Him. He cares for you.... Breathe, really breathe.
Keeping Secrets
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We all like knowing we are well thought of. A good reputation is built over time and maintained by continuing the same work that got us there. Revealing another person’s secret to a third party (without permission) is a sure way to undermine the very foundation you have worked hard to have. Learn to keep another’s confidence and in so doing, build a good reputation.
Something Different
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
We all have habits and patterns, including how we interact with others. We even get into patterns of acting and reacting to one another, especially with those close to us. The closer someone is, the more patterns of interaction there are. Simply put, when the patterns are unhealthy, we need to change how we respond in order for the patterns to change. “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Albert Einstein
Choose to Live and Love
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Overload. Embarrassment. Betrayal. Rejection. Loss. Inadequacy. These, among many others, work to keep us disconnected. Hidden. Alone. For as painful as these things are it makes sense that we often desire to hide, to remain disconnected from our world, ourselves, and the others in our lives. But, there are also beauty, laughter, joy, kindness, courage, and the many other things that bring us life and freedom. The reality is, life on this earth hurts. But, there are different kinds of pain. There's the pain of being stuck and hidden away and there's the pain of growth and risk. I don't know about you, but I'm choosing love and life and joy as my act of defiance against all that's evil and cold in our world. I hope you'll join me!
You'll Not Know It, But I'll Get You Back
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Masking angry feelings, a loved one can act them out in deliberate, but hidden ways. The child who is angry at his mother but fears expressing himself directly may pretend not to hear her when she calls him for dinner or may choose to complete his chores in an intentionally incorrect way that he knows will infuriate her. In these ways, the child gets his mother to act out the feelings that he had been holding inside. Adults can, in similar but perhaps more “grown-up” ways, get revenge.
Building Confidence
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Encourage your child to think about what their thoughts are on any given topic. Take time to validate what is true without demeaning them for what may not be true. Elementary children are literal, black-and-white thinkers so validating them helps them know when they are on the right track. Gentle redirection creates an atmosphere where they trust the attitude or behavior you are describing. Gentle feedback creates the confidence you wish for them to have.
Restlessness!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
That mental, emotional, and physical sensation of not being settled. Maybe life is up in the air or it's been stagnant for too long. The best remedy is to take time to reconnect with oneself. Get some space to reflect and ponder what's important to you and whether your days are spent supporting your passions and values. If they're not, make a change today. Even the perspective difference will give a settled feeling and begin the journey toward peace.
I'll Get You Back
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
“Man’s anger does not produce what God wants.” (James 1:20) Have you ever sat back and watched someone “go off the rails” with anger? If it is aimed at you and you know you don’t deserve it (not that “deserves it” is tenable) you may watch in disbelief. After the shock wears off, you have at least two choices: Get even, or get before God. Ask God to help you do the latter. The fruit of waiting in Him is worth it on every level.
Look Beyond
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There is tremendous value in looking beyond what people say and do to the possible condition of their heart. Despite my life’s work of providing counseling, like anyone, this is a tough shift both in our thinking and acting. One fact that IS real is when successfully looking beyond the words to the heart, compassion rises to the surface making it easier to let go of offenses.
Something So Simple...Yet Challenging
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
An essential ingredient for a healthy marriage is being willing to work at it and to refuse to allow bitterness to take root.
Anger: Good or Bad?
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Anger itself is not good or bad. It often gets a bad rap but anger is a psycho-biochemical response that gives us information to help us respond appropriately in specific situations. The problem with anger results from our interpretation and motivation, both things that happen after the initial emotion. Anger gives us the message: find out why you're angry, take care of yourself, and then change something. Change your relationship, expectations, location, or something else. Don't be afraid of your anger. Use it for your and your relationships health and benefit.
Cherish Those You Love
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A few smiling moments with your loved ones can change your day. A string of them can change your life. (Edited from J. Gottman)
Rude
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Answering before listening is both stupid and rude. It reveals our focus on our self, our own argument and need to win. A person of understanding waits, listens, provides feedback focused on the theme of what has been shared, then moves on with their thoughts.
Words
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
The closer we are to someone the more our words can hurt or heal. Let your words be like a healing balm in your loved ones’ lives today.
Finding Peace
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Find your peace. We live in a frantic world. It's easy to get caught up in the crazy that's around us. But, in order to have a satisfying and peaceful life we need to stop. Often. A few times a day take a break and notice the world around you. Notice your breaths. Notice your environment. And, remind yourself to be present. You'll feel a lot more at ease afterward and thank yourself for it.
Money Troubles?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Are you in a relationship where you argue about money? Though some studies show it’s a huge relational problem, arguments concerning money aren’t really about money. Money in relationship settings is symbolic of safety and power. It is important for loved ones to explore what money means to each of them in light of their personal history. How much something costs is not the problem. How safe and how influential (give and take) people are with each other is a good measure of successful money management. Money trust is a measure. It goes hand in hand with relational trust. If you have a relationship where you have worked this through, you know what I mean.
Forever Student
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Who out there loves to be “wrong?” I don’t! Yet, allowing the possibility of being wrong in thought and behavior, insists on challenging us with our limitations and a need to be comfortable as a forever student.
How Are You Treated
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
The way others treat you is not a reflection of who you are – it is a reflection of who they are.
Freedom From Frustration
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Somedays it’s difficult not to be frustrated with the world and the people around us. “Why won’t they think and act right?? I’ve put on my big boy/girl pants! Why can’t they?!” It’s okay to feel this way for a bit, but not for long because pride and entitlement develop. The reality is, everyone is wired differently and their way of doing things or the season of life they’re in may cause us to judge them more harshly than we ought. Let’s focus on ourselves and the things in our control and find peace!
But I'm The Nice One!
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
People hide anger from themselves. They do this because they’ve learned to believe that only nice, hard-working, focused (unknowingly usually stubborn) people are “good.” Being unaware of being angry does not mean that one is not angry. It is the anger unaware which can do most the most damage. It damages you and your relationships with other people. Since anger does get expressed, but in inappropriate ways, it’s like water in a blocked drain dripping and seeping into areas that eventually weaken, collapse, and may even rot support systems.
The "Right" Way
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We all have truth that exists in our perspectives. Insisting on our perspective as the correct view short-circuits the life of any relationship; personal or professional. The truth in each person’s perspective is real and to be respected. Searching for the truth in another’s eyes teaches us new information, enriching our understanding. Our wisdom in relating only increases.
Communication 101
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
When I was in graduate school one of my professors asked the class, “Can you ever not communicate with a loved one?” There was silence among us, followed by numerous philosophical answers. Finally, he answered his own question and explained, “You cannot not communicate with a loved one.” For a minute or two, we all sat puzzled. Seeing the expression on our faces, he expounded, “Even if you don’t say a word, you are still communicating.” So true. Not only do we communicate through words, voice inflection, volume, posture, and body language, but even our silence sends a message. The challenge is our communication is not an exact science. Sometimes the simplest phrase can be misunderstood. How many times have feelings been hurt, arguments started, tension between family members begun because of a misunderstanding and assumption?
Being Human
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
You're allowed to be human. You're value does not come from what you do, but from who you are. You have worth simply because you exist. Enjoy being a human "being" today.
Patience in Progress
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
"Progress in relationships, business, family; comes in steps, not lightening strikes." Harry Bosch
Overwhelmed
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Who doesn’t feel overwhelmed these days? So many options, issues, relationships, and tasks demand our attention every day. Here is a simple reminder that just may maintain a bit of sanity. It’s simple but rarely used: Pause, Process options, then Proceed.
Thanks A Lot
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Our physical bodies are greatly impacted by our emotions. According to research, positive emotions such as gratitude, compassion, and love not only feel good but are also good for our physical body. Our bodily systems work better and are more efficient. So give thanks a lot - it is good for you!
Shame and Guilt
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Shame and guilt are different. Guilt says, "I did something wrong" and causes us to turn to the other person and desire to make it right. Shame says, "I am made wrong" and it causes us to turn away from others. We are made for relationship. We need people and people need us. We all have shame and relationship is the antidote. Don't let your shame keep you from connecting with loved ones.
Conflict Happens
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Conflict is normal and natural because differences in "wiring" are normal and natural. The absence of conflict is not the goal of a relationship. Getting through differences to the other side without contempt is the marker of a healthy relationship. The goal is to learn to love one another.
Courageous
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Courage is a thought, emotion, statement or behavior that propels you forward. Ingesting it brings you to a place of alertness and mental clarity. Whether or not you succeed is not the point. The point is to keep moving forward.
Oh, How Humbling
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Recently, I was wrestling with a software program used for bookkeeping. Struggling for more than an hour, I relented and called tech support. The technician’s name was Kay. I was barely able to keep my impatience and irritation out of my voice as I explained the problem to her. After an hour of working together, the issue was resolved. Before we hung up, Kay thanked me for my patience in working with her and then she said, “You will be more prosperous this year and every year to come. You and your family will enjoy health, happiness and peace throughout the year.” The help and blessing from Kay will not be forgotten soon. It was humbling and thought provoking. Kay went out of her way to bless me even though I did not deserve it. I had begun the conversation clearly irritated and very prideful. I was full of myself and frustrated that I was having difficulty. In short, I could not do what I wanted when I wanted.
The Power of Words
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
If you're like me, sometimes it can be easy to forget the power of words. Different words are powerful to different people. Everyone has a speaking style and some of the more blunt types can forget to soften, and feeling types can forget to be more direct. Three questions recently noted can help us all communicate more clearly and carefully. These are: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Join me in considering the motives behind our words.
Be Strong
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We are designed to know truth when we hear it. Truth brings clarity of thought and provides strength by giving us a principle or thought to seize onto. Grab it and make it yours. This practice will carry you through.
Miss But Don't Miss
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A thing about remembering loved ones gone, is that the missing of them is powerful. We need to honor that. In the missing of those gone, we must also be sharply open to NOT miss those who are here.
Letting Go
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Many reading this will believe that letting go means the other person wins or they condone the behavior as ok. This is hardly the case. Letting go is acknowledging things to be what they are. Letting go is embracing your powerlessness to influence another. Letting go is no longer demanding things be your way. What letting go is NOT is a lack of boundaries or self-respect and self-protection in the face of harmful behaviors.
Positive Aspects of Hope
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
In the past decade, there have been numerous studies on hope, and science has simply affirmed what God's word has already encouraged us to do. Researchers have discovered that when a person has hope there is a positive physiological effect on circulation, respiration, and motor function. Furthermore, having hope can positively alter the neurochemistry in the brain. According to Romans 12:12, we are to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)
Managing Emotions
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Emotions can be difficult to manage. Sometimes they crash over us like gigantic waves, other times they aren't there when they should be. Emotions are valuable messages. If we can learn to listen to them and allow ourselves to feel them, surprisingly enough, they become very useful tools.
Is This Just My Imagination?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
REMEMBER, we don’t “make” another person do the things they do. If you are being blamed for another’s behavior, it’s a sign of immaturity at least and serious abuse at most.
Greener Grass
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
It is easy to view the lives of others as seeming so much better than our own. However, comparing rarely is helpful. Comparing is easy to do but definitely not beneficial. In reality, all people have concerns and issues that weigh on them. Some are out in the open more than others. Let’s stay home for a change and enjoy what we have.
Happy New Year!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
With the New Year comes the desire to change. However, it's not uncommon to be a bit jaded because we know that these changes often don't stick. But, God is bringing us from glory to glory. So, this year, be encouraged to trust the process. We're not there yet – BUT, we are not where we were. Happy New Year!
He is Our Hope
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Throughout the Bible, we are encouraged to place our faith and trust in The Lord because He is our hope. According to Baker's Evangelical Dictionary of Biblical Theology, the definition for hope is "To trust in, wait for, look for, or desire something or someone; or to expect something beneficial in the future." Like every good father, it is The Lord's desire to bless us, He has something beneficial for you in your future.
Give IT Up!
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Is there something you'd really rather hang on to even if it's not the best for you? What is it? My friend does not want to give up rage. The delusion is it protects. Unless we give up the destructive, we have no way of realizing the productive.
ASK!
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A = Accepting we are not all knowing or all powerful sounds like a no-brainer. However, our pride often inhibits our ability to accept the reality of our need. Accept your limitations. S = Searching out requires giving voice to your need or question. So many roadblocks may seem present due to feelings of shame, not understanding the depth of our need, or just because prior to this we have been able to figure things out. Keep searching! There is no shame in searching for the answers you long for. K = Kinship is a blessing that increases when we accept and insist on the search. It is the squeaky door that gets oiled. Accepting and searching bring us to the knowledge of our place in the family of humanity. We are all in this together so let’s keep asking until the answers come!
Holding On To Hope
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." ~Romans 12:12 NIV When I was in graduate school, my favorite professor was Dr. Bob Castagnola. Although he taught different techniques to use when working with clients, Dr. Bob would often tell his students that sometimes the only thing you can do for someone is to hope for them, until they can hope for themselves. Additionally, he encouraged us to find the hope that situations and relationships would improve and change for the better. Dr. Bob, would also caution us that one of the most hurtful things we can do is tell someone else that there is no hope and to take their hope away. May you be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer, and may hope bring you comfort and peace.
Yes or No?
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
When to say no and when to say yes? What a question! A simple way to figure this out is, will it cause you pain or inconvenience? Is it a one-time thing or a repeated pattern? If the other person got to live the consequences, would it help them grow? These are all things to think about. If you have the opportunity to give grace to cover an uncommon thing, it's an easy time to feel confident in saying yes. If you're helping someone continue a pattern of sin and irresponsibility, that's a good time to say no.
A Thank-Ful Thanksgiving
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
With our country's political climate turbulent, many will find themselves around tables with people of different opinions and ideas. There are many ways to cope. Your positive and thankful attitude can help set the tone for your time together. If the conversation starts to go down a difficult path, try gently guiding the conversation to topics of common interest. Another idea is to take breaks and breathe. They may wonder why you have visited the bathroom 10 times, but remember to love others, be patient and respectful, and to have a very thank-full Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving from the Center for Family Healing & Practical Family Living!
Influence
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Those who influence us sometimes assign us things. A significant part of assigned influence is that we may choose what part, if any, of an assignment to take on from our influencers. Influence; assigned and assumed. We naturally influence others. Let’s remember, influence is who we are - not what we do.
Openhanded
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Needy people exist and will continue to exist. Generous people are those who are openhanded: people who loosen themselves to feel compassion and give of what they have. Some of you may only have a smile or a prayer. Others may loose belongings, time, or monies to help. Either way living openhanded means allowing ourselves to be open to need and give from the good stored up within.
Self Actualization?
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Research psychologist, Abraham Maslow, theorized that we have a need for self actualization. Self actualization focuses on what an individual does or accomplishes. This is in contrast to God's word. God's focus is on who we are in Christ versus what we do or accomplish. After all, we are human beings not human doings.
The Standard
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
There are so many voices around us that call us to unrealistic standards, condemn us, and make us feel less than. But the reality is there's only one standard that we need to live up to. And, we do that, strangely enough by recognizing there is nothing we can do. Only Jesus can. Allow him to be perfection for you and live in grace instead.
The Holidays
The winter holidays can be a time of tradition, community, and meaning. But it can also be a time of loneliness and unexpected grief. In anticipation of the holidays, consider what you need emotionally and relationally. Set boundaries around your time and energy. Invite people into your life. Consider giving back trough a local church or charity.
Is Life Tough?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If life is tough for you….you have been honored to hone things inside yourself that others cannot fathom and God has chosen to use as a vehicle for hope for those around you.
Calming Down
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Self care may be difficult depending on the circumstances. However, here are simple questions to ask yourself when anxious, upset, lonely or just plain tired: Am I normal to feel______? Have I ever felt this way before? Have I returned to a calmer state of mind? Now that I am here, what do I need to do first to care for myself?
Healthy Self-Esteem
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
We often hear the term "self esteem." But, what does healthy self-esteem look like? In Ephesians 2:10, God's Word says, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them." The word for workmanship is the same word for poem, meaning His masterpiece or His handiwork. We are each His masterpiece. When we internalize this truth that we are His masterpiece, created with a kingdom purpose a positive, healthy self-esteem follows.
Made By the Creator
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
When life feels crazy. When your responsibilities are piling up. When you feel like you just can’t do it all. Remember, you are enough. You are valuable. And that value comes from your Creator, not your productivity. Rest in this truth today.
Guarding the Calendar
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
Life can feel out of control sometimes, and as the school year starts, I recommend taking an honest real look at the calendar. Before your schedule gets cluttered, sit down as a couple and then as a family to decide what will make it on the calendar. What will your priorities be? What will you say “no” to? Remember that you as the parent/s are in charge of the pace of your family. You are the guards…the protectors of your family.
Our Own Worst Enemy?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Do you strive for perfection rather than for satisfaction in a task? If so this leads to repeated frustration, disappointment and worse; self-condemnation. This is a result of a drive to be perfect. If expectations will allow for learning from mistakes, a sense of well-being is in your future.
Need to Rest?
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Take time to rest. It’s easy to believe that we can keep going or that taking a break really won’t make much of a difference – but it does. Even a small pause can change the attitude of the day. A bigger break, like a vacation, can be a reset button when everything had seemed like it was spinning toward disaster. We’re human and we need to rest.
Watch Out
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Behaviors that hinder the life stream of any relationship are as follows: Consistently resist sound, fair feedback; blind to grace even when it is freely offered; persist in selfish thinking or behavior; pridefully trust their intellect vs. the truth of what is; treat other people as villains or rail against them. These behaviors, when chosen, sound the death knoll of any relationship.
Working Through Trauma
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
When trauma and pain occur, it is common for us to make vows for the future to protect ourselves from further pain. Common vows are “I will never let another man (or woman) hurt me,” or “I will never let them see me sweat.” The problem is that these attempts at protection also block us from being connected to ourselves and others. They may initially help us feel safer, but after time they keep us from true connection and love.
Affirmations of God's Love
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Scripture is full of God's affirmations of His love for us and His benevolent thoughts toward us. In 1 John 4:10, we are told, "This is love: not that we loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." (NIV) Ephesians 2:4 states, "but because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved." (NIV)
A Difficult Road?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
It is probably true that you have a difficult road. If you do, consider the lessons learned in it and the value that God has for you in these lessons for your future.
Difficult People
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Difficult people are men and women who, no matter what is said or done, always see you as “bad,” “wrong,” or insist on you proving otherwise. This is a game. Their demands help them avoid responsibility for their choices. Care enough to refuse participation. It sends a message of respect for yourself. Your choice allows them to feel the result of their choices.
Think and Feel
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We are all given the ability to think and feel. Some people favor thinking and some people favor feeling. Thinking and feeling are not good or bad. Both of them give us some good information to make healthy decisions. The problem comes when we let one overtake the other. Listen to your mind and your heart and ask God for discernment. Chances are the answer is going to be a combination of both.
Read Your Body
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
I heard the saying recently, "Our bodies don't lie." When we aren't feeling well physically, it is wise to take a moment and ask what our body might be signaling to us. Is the pressure on our chest telling us that we are anxious? Is our shallow breathing relaying the truth that we are pushing too hard? Sometimes taking a few moments each day to check in with our bodies can help steer us in the right emotional direction.
Make A Choice
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We certainly can make ourselves miserable by going over the unfair things we’ve experienced. Or…we can make ourselves, with God’s help, sane and comfortable. The amount of emotional work involved with either is the same. I choose the latter and hope you do too.
Mandate for Success
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A state of being whole, sound, and undiminished comes from the refusal to exaggerate to make yourself look good, honoring all who have contributed, refusing to take things that do not belong to you, and your walk matching your talk. It’s called integrity.
God Promises
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Have you ever thought that God was mad at you or that He has turned his back on you? Those thoughts were not based on Truth. He will never turn away from you. Rather, He promises that He will never leave you nor forsake. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
The Source
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Some days drag. Some weeks seem to move like molasses. Some months require survival mode. Maybe it's time for a refill. Or better yet, a daily plug into the Source. The Lord is waiting to pour into us, we just need to stop and make ourselves available. With him, those hard days, weeks, and months will flow so much more smoothly even in the rough patches.
The Marriage "Mess"
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
Marriage brings us (sometimes quite often) to a place where we must make a choice. We have the decision of running into the mess and loving one another in it, or running away and pretending the mess isn’t there. Don’t miss the opportunity! The mess has the potential to create something beautiful in you and your marriage.
Deal With It
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If we don’t deal with our experiences of being shocked and hurt… trauma really, it begins to deal with us. God tells us to come to him honestly in so many ways in Scripture. He keeps tapping us on the shoulder over and over again. Talk to Him honestly. He will give you wisdom and relief.
Examination
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Family, career, making money, exercise, me time, friendships, and spirituality are a few top priorities in life. Evaluate the effectiveness of the order you put them. Is the order really working for you and for those you love? If not, change the order.
In the Palm of His Hand
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
God's love for us is perfect, complete and there is nothing that we can do to change His love for us. He accepts us just as we are including our imperfections and our disobedience. Our finite minds cannot fully comprehend the infinite love God has for us nor the depth of His grace and mercy. We are so precious to Jesus that He carries us in the palm of His hands.
Find Peace
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Whether your world is at peace or is spinning wildly, take a moment to be present where you are. Check in with your body, your soul, and your mind, take some deep breaths and connect with God. Let him give you that peace that transcends understanding today (Philippians 4:7).
Traditions and Celebrations
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
Traditions and celebrations can provide a rite of passage from one season to another. From weddings to birthdays, college graduations to moving parties, these symbolic moments serve as spiritual, relational, and emotional transitions. These meaningful times serve a purpose of highlighting parts of our lives we can let go and aspects of our future that we can grab onto.
Our Grief
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Sometimes we judge our sorrows. Do you feel you don’t get to be sad because others have better reasons to be sad? It is not true that because you don’t have it as bad as other people that you don’t get to grieve. Stop comparing. Walking through your personal grief is natural and important.
Think About It
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Working effectively in our relationships requires we examine both the helpful choices we have made along with the hurtful choices we have made. Our choices are not “all good” or “all bad.”
Constructive Criticism
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
I don't know anyone who truly enjoys being criticized. However, sometimes we need it in order to grow. With the right attitude and careful consideration of the validity of the criticism, we can take someone else's criticism of us and use it as a conduit of change and improvement.
His Peace
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Take a moment today to swim in the depths. The Lord will meet with you and still all your worries. His peace passing understanding and gives us an infusion of calm and perspective that gives us the strength to go on. He's ready and waiting to give you what you need for the day. Take some time to ask.
Family Rituals
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
Family Rituals provide a safe and consistent space for family members to connect and provide one another a sense of belonging, meaning, and stability. These rituals can be as simple as a hug each morning as you leave for work or a week’s vacation to the same place each year. These rituals soon become a kind of “glue” that keeps one another connected in times of stress and busyness.
Accountability
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Adults too sometimes say to themselves: “Everyone else is doing this – so why not me?” Do you have someone you look up to for a cross check on this decision?
Fully Awake
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Not one of us can feel all of our emotions all of the time. Defenses are necessary in order to survive some events. There will come a season when it is time to “wake up” the feelings. The healing/growth process calls for honesty on all levels. It’s hard to be fully awake when we keep using things to block our emotions.
God's Protection
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Yes, the world is broken and with that comes broken relationships. But, take heart! Jesus has overcome the world. Even in our brokenness God has provided protection through his laws, through healthy families, good friends, even clothing is a protection that God has provided. It’s not the ideal but we can rest in God's protection and enjoy the little bits of Eden in our lives today.
Find Your Life
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
We all want a good life. We want a life filled with joy, success, love, meaning, and healthy relationships. But who determines our path? The loudest, strongest voice in your life will determine your path! Let’s make sure we aren’t ruled by the voice of an abusive parent from our childhood, or an overbearing boss, or everyone but ourselves. Take the time and steps to grow stronger in the path you walk.
Good Leaders
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Whether we admit to it or not, we are all under authority. It may be at home, school, work, church or simply in society. We all benefit when leadership is good. A good leader does not dictate but rather affirms, encourages and helps others to reach their potential.
Open the Door
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Are there rooms in your heart you want to keep closed? What if light from an open door would detox the contents?
Out of Balance
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Imbalance in our focus easily occurs. Worry is one emotion that throws us off. Worry consumes our energy, robbing us of the balance we seek. What are the things you still worry about?
Just Do It
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Is there someone in your life that you need to forgive or you need to ask to forgive you? Is there a relationship that needs mending? May I encourage you to take that step and reach out to repair those relationships. It may not be easy and issues may not be resolved quickly but the reward of having relationships in order is well worth the work.
Simple Helps
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Life can be tough. There are any number of things that can stress us out and trouble our hearts. But, God hasn't left us defenseless. Along with his presence, power, and love he gives us a few simple tools of relief that can make all the difference in our days. These tools are sleep, laughter, and good relationship! Watching a funny YouTube video or calling up a friend can brighten your day and refill your cup. And, sometimes the most helpful and holy thing you can do is take a nap! Enjoy some of God's simple helps today.
The Seasons
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
There is a beautiful rhythm of every year. Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter again. Taking care of ourselves is important as winter sets in. A new year has begun and the busyness of the holidays is over. Make sure to take care of your body, soul, and spirit. There are gifts in every season and winter can be a glorious time of silence, quiet, reflection, solitude.
Heart Care
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A heart hurts when it is blasted open. Be careful with your heart. Treat it as tender. Make this a year of receiving nurturance for the fearfully and wonderfully made person that you are.
Attitude Check
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Gratefulness: Being warmly appreciative of the benefits received…from anyone or anything. Reminding yourself of what and who you are deeply appreciative of increases your ability to remain positive and hopeful. Worry, anger, and sarcasm only rob you of hope for the future.
Story Telling
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Story telling is not just for children. Adults tell themselves stories just as often as children. In fact, we tell ourselves so many stories throughout the day about our relationships with family and friends, finances, career, health, and future that we may not even recognize that it is a story. These stories go through our own editing process which is based on our assumptions, anxieties, and interpretations of past experiences. On a positive note, when we are aware that we are creating stories and not everything that we think and believe is necessarily true, we can change the ending to our stories.
Indicators or Dictators
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Feelings are indicators, not dictators - Lysa TerKeurst She's right! We were given emotions for a reason. They give us information and connect us with others. They help us care for ourselves and tend to our relationships. But, too often we give them too much say in how we live. A strong feeling or urge does not need to dictate your thoughts and behaviors. It needs to be felt and cared for. Then, and only then, are you free to act.
Can You Hear Me?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Want to be heard? Respect, appreciation, and generosity are communicated very subtly in conversation. We all want these things. When we receive them or give them, we feel good and give good. Words are not the most important part of communication; genuine attitude is whether good or bad.
Fully Awake
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Not one of us can feel all of our emotions all of the time. Defenses are necessary in order to survive some events. There will come a season when it is time to “wake up” feelings. The healing and growth process calls for honesty on all levels when the time is right. It’s hard to be fully awake and healed when we keep using things, people and habits to block our senses when it is time to grow and be healed.
Thoughts on Thoughts
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
We all have different ways of thinking, perceiving and viewing the world. Sometimes we can get so caught up in believing we are right that we forget about the possibility that our thinking, and perceptions could be inaccurate. This is such a common occurrence that there is even a name for it, and it is called cognitive distortions. Based on assumptions, cognitive distortions are inaccurate thoughts that reinforce negative ideas about ourselves or others.
It's OK to Take a Break
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Modern life has filled up at an exponential rate. Relationships, work, home life, kid’s activities, ministries, instant communication through cell phones and the internet, and more. Sometimes it's just too much...and it's OK to take a break. Step back. Ask the Lord for his view, his perspective and breathe with Him.
Enjoy Life!
Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT
As we enter adulthood with all of the responsibilities that accompany this stage of life, we can neglect the playful, spontaneous parts. Paradoxically, to revive that starved part, we need to be intentional to plan a time and place and activity that helps us to enjoy life to its fullest.
Don't Regret
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Don't regret a past time filled with hurt. It is the stuff of wisdom. You've weathered it, you've acknowledged the pain, and you are standing once again. It may even be time to smile at what the hurt has given you.
Prevent a Bite Back
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The low growl that may rise in your throat when another is rewarded with success may be an indication of jealousy or resentment. As normal as these feelings can be, they have a way of turning on you. Protect your heart from these emotions taking root.
Need Encouragement?
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Let's face it - we all could use a little encouragement, especially when life throws us some curveballs. If you need encouragement, try finding someone to encourage. It is amazing how when we give something away it comes back to us many times over - sometimes when we least expect it.
Life!
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Life is hectic. Consider choosing reflection over distraction (TV, internet, etc.). It'll feed your being (you are a human *being*) vs. your doing (you're not a human *doing*).
The Pain of Rejection
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
In a time of feeling rejected, we simply cannot conceive that the pain of it is often going to produce something better than the thing or relationship lost.
Enablers Unite!
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The parent of a potential misuser of alcohol is in a difficult position of loving their young adult yet insisting on respect for the household. Here are a few guidelines: * DON’T confront your young adult when they are under the influence. * DON’T make excuses to your spouse, family, friends or school authorities for your young adult’s drinking. * DON’T take responsibility for your young adult’s drinking problem. * DO stay honest with the Lord and yourself about your grief. Seek professional help if necessary. Always hold the young adult responsible for the choices they are making.
Working it Through
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Recently, I worked with a family that had experienced a traumatic event. Each of the family members had embarked on their own journey to try to make sense of the event and deal with the aftermath. Their paths were each filled with confusion and much grief. Each family member tried to argue their position and get the other family members to see it and experience the event the same way. Needless to say, this created much tension. What was happening? Each of the family members were seeing the traumatic event through their own lens and assigning meaning to it. Who was right and who was wrong? This is one circumstance in which they were all right and no one was wrong. Once they were able to acknowledge and accept their differences and their reactions, they were able to support one another and help each other to heal.
Transitions
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
A job loss. A broken relationship. A move. When things change we're put off balance. We can be confused, apt to make rash decisions, and be highly sensitive. It's important to give ourselves time to adjust and grieve. Postpone big decisions. We'll get our balance back in due time and will be able to move clearly and steadily forward.
The Lies in Our Head
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We often tell ourselves a story about other's motives. The made up story in our heads is logical to us when another's behavior is puzzling. These stories are more often than not bogus; absolute lies we "figure out" to protect ourselves. Risk asking for clarity. Lies we tell ourselves about others wreck our relationships and our peace.
Bitter Moments
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Walking along a shoreline, I discovered a small stone that was smooth and soft. Not one piece of the stone had protruding, sharp edges. The years of wave upon wave, nearby stones, and weather had worn away the cutting rough edges. Long lasting relationships do the same. Those bitter moments when we clash become events which wear away the protruding, sharp edges in us. Bitter moments navigated invite closeness…growth. Shun these moments and we may find ourselves completely alone. Inspired by: Proverbs 14:10
Taking Sober Stock
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Before our oldest daughter was born, my husband and I attended a very thorough and thoughtful parenting class. I remember the speaker saying "conflict is normal and needs to be negotiated." This simple statement was profound for me. Like many people, I don't like conflict. However, we all have to deal with conflict and the closer we are to someone, the more opportunity there is for conflict. The upside to this is that in healthy close relationships there is usually a greater commitment to resolve the conflict. The first step in resolving conflict is to always take sober stock in yourself, and ask yourself "how did I contribute to this?" and "what could I have done differently?" While it is tempting to point the finger at the other guy, the blame and shame game has never helped nor resolved anything.
Expectations
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Let's not crush our loved ones under the weight of our expectations. We don't realize it but we don't know how awesomely different they are made. The reality is we don't have a corner on how people "should" be. Free others from the weight of your expectations, in turn, you'll be free too.
Stress
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
STRESS: Equals hormones that drive you to "run or gun" (flight or fight). Stress will cause you to believe things must happen RIGHT NOW! Faith will slow you down with the knowledge that things will happen in the right time.
Buy Wisdom
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Money is a big source of hope today. Being rich is not a sinful thing. Being poor isn’t either. Real hope is found in wisdom. It is an internal quality that is pursued and nurtured in heart and mind. Pay the price of obtaining wisdom. Then, do not ever let it go.
A Rock Through Your Front Window
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Have you ever felt as if someone threw a rock through the front window of your life? Maybe, it was after a divorce, sudden job loss, serious accident, grave medical diagnosis, death of a loved one, or broken relationship. It may have felt as if your life and dreams were shattered to pieces and you were left to grieve the loss amidst the shards. Although we cannot control all the circumstances in our lives, we can control how we respond. Do we allow disappointment, fear, anger, and bitterness to take root in our heart? Or...Do we allow ourselves the freedom and space to grieve? Do we allow ourselves the freedom to change and grow?
Down Days
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We all have down days. Crabby days. Sad days. And even depressed days. Sometimes we just need to be kind to ourselves and ride them out. Other times we need to take a hard look at ourselves and see whether we are causing our own suffering. Ask God to help you know the difference. And either way, be sure to accept God’s grace for you.
Ya Gotta Serve Somebody
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
I just looked up Bob Dylan’s lyrics to “Ya Gotta Serve Somebody.” Interspersing several walks of life, Dylan says: “…it may be the devil, it may be the Lord,” but you gotta serve somebody. Whether we know it or not, we are serving “somebody."
Thriving Students
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We will always be students. Receiving, listening, learning, implementing and living by what we have ingested up to this moment. This does not mean we are always listening or receiving what is provided. Many take pride in figuring things or concerns out on their own. Doing so provides a wonderful sense of accomplishment. The danger is when we allow our pride to isolate us and keep us from resources designed specifically to come along side and help. Do not allow your pride to isolate you or your own self-disgust become a wallowing hole. Move forward and discover what may be available to help. It is the best chance you have of surviving and even thriving in any area of life.
Do As I Say
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
One of the most confusing things a parent can say to a child is "do as I say, not as I do." As parents, we always want our children to do as we say. However, if we tack on the phrase "not as I do," we confuse our children and set ourselves up for future trouble. As parents, we are responsible to hold ourselves to the same set of standards we hold our children to; so that when we say "do as I say," we are also showing them the way.
Uniquely Created
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
God has created you uniquely just as you are. As Christians we have the freedom to be who we are in the Lord. Let's not use this truth as license but as an opportunity to shine and serve for God's glory.
Surviving the Affair
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
How can marriage survive the ultimate betrayal of an affair? Healing is possible. A covenant relationship can work only if the unfaithful partner ends the affair, the couple stops talking to family and friends about the situation, and therapy sessions begin with both parties present.
Our True Inheritance
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Nothing reveals more about individuals that seeing how they respond to receiving an inheritance. Many reading this know when money is involved, fighting usually breaks out. How each of us responds to inheriting position, power, money, or privileged information will reveal all the wood, hay or stubble remaining in our minds and heart. As hard as this may be to see as true, it is. The wood, hay, and stubble of our beliefs or assumptions reveal an opportunity to learn about our remaining weaknesses. True inheritance is not about privilege, power or position. True inheritance is about obtaining wisdom, the practice of love, and embracing the worth and dignity of each person around us.
When in Conflict
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
There are distinct behavioral principles we need to incorporate when faced with conflict. Look at yourself in the mirror asking, "What is it like being on the receiving end of me." Is there anything I do or have done to contribute to this, am I missing something? What are my weaknesses? Is my behavior above reproach? What am I to learn through this? We are responsible to seek wisdom on how to treat difficult people in our lives. Regardless of the other person's attitude or behavior, we will be held accountable for how we chose to respond. Healthy people respond in loving firmness to difficult people through the implementation of both learned skills and accessing their spiritual foundation.
Secrets and Shame
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
If you or someone close to you struggles with secret sins such as pornography use, bulimia, or alcohol dependence, know today that you are not alone and you are not without hope. People can and do gain the insight, skills, and healing necessary to overcome any addiction or habit. God has given us the ability and tools necessary to create lasting change in our lives and relationships. And the approach He takes is specific to our needs. He often uses a combination of revealed and common grace. God’s love and power is revealed to us through His Word and is made available through the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross and His resurrection. His common grace is accessible through study of the world and its rules. Don’t live in shame and secrecy any longer. Find someone skilled and educated in the nature of addiction with an understanding of how to gain victory. Come into the light and get help today.
We Feel Safe With Direct People
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
It feels safe to be around direct honest people. We know where we stand with them. Indirect people are unsure of who they are and feel afraid to be in touch with what they want. As a result, it causes mistrust to be around them. Directness saves energy. Be on a path to be honest, compassionate for yourself and others, and to be direct when appropriate. Ask God to help you be comfortable with honesty within and without. “What God desires is honesty in the inward parts, and in the inward parts He will give wisdom.” Ps. 51:6.
Act on Truth
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Remaining in truth takes courage. It does not matter whether it is financial, spiritual, emotional, relational or physical truth. If you have given in to fear, shame, hiding, or shame about how you are not truthful, you have given your control away. When we tolerate and believe the lies of these emotions, we become brothers to destruction. I believe each of you reading this do not wish to be a brother or sister to destroying your life. Diligence in pursuing truth is tough work. However, you are not alone. Hold steady! You are reclaiming your God-given gift of personal control.
Dealing With Difficult People
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Whether it is in our family, church, or work place, we all know people who are difficult to be around. They usually cannot read social cues nor are unaware of how they come across to others. They tend to trample across boundaries, stomp on feelings, and take advantage of others. When dealing with difficult people, our natural tendency is to point the finger and find someone to sympathize with us, and someone to agree with us on how difficult person is. So how do we deal with difficult people? How does The Lord want us to respond? We need to remember that we were all made in God's image, and we are all God's children. Although, we all have our weaknesses, we are all equal in His sight.
God is For You - Romans 8:31
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
He is not against you. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or who you’ve been. When you accept God’s free gift of redemption you are clean and fully accepted. You are not a foster child wondering and hoping that maybe if you behave well enough the family you’re with will adopt you. You are adopted today and have the full status as son and daughter of God. Start living as a fully accepted child and heir of God’s inheritance today.
The Mind Wanders: A Good Thing?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A habit of our mind wandering off the thing at hand from time to time is common throughout the day. Neuroscience tells us that this is a helpful thing for our brains. The default-mode network in the brain is online when your mind is wandering off-task. While attending and focusing is essential for learning and communication, day-dreaming is also vital it seems, especially for creativity.
Overspent
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Do you have a home like this? One in which you are unable to be at peace. At the moment you may feel tired. Tired of the whole scene. OVERspending in an attempt to have the kind of life you feel you need or deserve sets you up. Herein lies the problem: trying to be something or someone you are not. Contentment with little or what you have is much better. To do otherwise is to be fake and usually ends up with strife within or with loved ones.
Dearly Loved Children
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Most parents know what it’s like to be so fully in love with a person for no reason other than they belong to you. The moment a child is conceived he or she becomes part of the family and is deeply loved. Ask most any mom or dad whether their love is dependent on how their child behaves. You’ll likely receive a strong “no!” A child is loved not because of what he or she does, but because of whom he or she is. The same goes for us as God’s children. God adores us. He delights in us. And, like a momma bear, if anyone messes with us He goes on the defense. Rest in God’s acceptance and love for you today.
Crying for Joy
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Ever notice that sometimes people cry for joy? It seems an opposite reaction to the moment doesn’t it; being so happy one cries? The opposite is also true. Sometimes people smile at the most awkward times. Have you seen this? A person is discussing someone’s death or a crime that has been committed and they are smiling the whole time. Some researchers see it as a person is trying to achieve some emotional balance. Though not of great consequence or concern when people occasionally have these “opposite” expressions, if one continually has mixed expressions like these, there may be personal tension and pressure to be attended to.
The Act of Forgiveness
Compiled by Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
As children we are taught to forgive. We obediently say we forgive so we get things over with in order to go on with our day. Extending grace is the beginning of forgiveness. As adults, making the decision to extend grace does not mean we are not hurt, do not need boundaries, do not need time for trust to rebuild, or condone what was done. All it means is we remove any obstacle from within our own spirit that would sprout a bitterness to take root. If we hang on to the offense, nurturing it, we trouble and defile many.
Whatever is Lovely
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Our thoughts are built by our minds, wills and emotions. Negative thoughts can adversely affect our health if left unchecked. Scientists now estimate that 87% - 95% of illnesses come directly from our thought life, regardless if the illness is mental, emotional, or physical. With age, our brains can grow and thicken, therefore increasing the surface area. This increase allows for more processes and connections to take place. In His infinite mercy, God created our brains to be changeable and moldable. This change is evident in our thought life also. Romans 12:2 tells us, “do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” With the Lord’s help, our minds can be renewed. In Philippians 4:8, Paul teaches us, “finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”
God is Love
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” So many of us live in perpetual fear of God’s anger or disapproval. And this is exactly what the devil wants. Something God makes abundantly clear in His Word is that God is love and He wants a relationship with us. God’s action and attitude toward us is always redemptive. I love the verses from a song by Pocket Full of Rocks. They say, “He’s not mad at you. He’s not disappointed. His grace is greater still than all of your wrong choices. He is full of mercy. He is ever kind. Hear his invitation. His arms are open wide.” I highly suggest listening to this song and soaking in the reality of how God sees you.
I Appreciate You
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Express appreciation whenever you can. We all know someone who makes us feel appreciated. If it is not obvious flattery or apple-polishing, appreciation makes us feel good. Practice appreciation with honesty and brevity and you will find others more cooperative. If you are in a work or family task setting, you will see things accomplished more lightly and quickly when a short, honest expression of appreciation comes from you to those around you.
Go With What You Know
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Sharing your faith, a life event, or something important to you fills some people with worry: worry about being accepted, respected or even understood. Keeping these events simple is a foundational principle that I often need reminding of. Even the Apostle John kept his letters to the churches simple. “That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life.” (John 1:1 The Message) We ask more of ourselves than is required. It is not within our capabilities to answer every question or challenge another person may present. All that is required is what John outlined: what we have heard, seen, and touched (experienced). Sharing any part of ourselves can really be that simple.
Negative Thoughts to Positive Thoughts
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
What happens when we have negative thoughts, and hang on to anger, frustration, disappointment, fear or hurt? According to neuropsychologist ,Dr. Caroline Leaf, each thought we have creates a chemical reaction. When we experience love, joy, happiness, peace and passion, chemicals flood our brain that increases our ability to feel these positive emotions. However, when we experience the negative emotions, an abundance of the same chemicals flood our brain and we become overloaded. With the Lord’s help, we can experience love, joy, happiness, peace and passion.
The Model Parent
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
How do you define success as a parent? Is it a child who reads before kindergarten? A teenager who got into an Ivy League or Division I college? A kid who texts and calls you a lot? It's easy to fall into a parenting "default", which is likely a combination of what our parents did and what we swore we'd never do that they did. Instead, start by asking yourself- what is the purpose of parenting? Children need parents who will use childhood as a training period. This training should include comprehensive information on how to care for oneself and others physically, psychologically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. We're talking skills from doing laundry to how to have a relationship with the Creator. It's a tall order! But we have 18 or so years to do it and a God who is THE model parent. Lean on Him and reach out when you need help. There are many fantastic resources available to parents today including books, radio programs, ministries, and family therapists. Keep up the good work!
Having Your Moments
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The clock ticks and you are aware of things you must do. However, you’ve just had a “moment.” A God moment. Maybe you’ve watched a child at play or you’ve been walking or working outside. Perhaps you have been listening to music or you noticed that a loved one has aged. These moments capture your attention. They allow for a connection with God in your here and now life. Give yourself pause… time away from the “have to” clock. Shared moments with Him; real treasure.
Wage War
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
When you are in a war, listening to advisors is crucial, especially if you wish to have the best chance of winning. Thinking you know best and blazing forward leaves you alone at the front. Healthy living, thinking, choosing requires war, war on selfishness, greed, pride, you name it. Never ever go into battle alone. Bring the Lord, trusted friends and family, pastors, counselors, anyone you come to realize is really for you. You may lose a few battles along the way. However, in the end, you are always the winner.
One Thought....
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Our thoughts are now known to literally reside in our brains and actually take on physical forms. These forms called neurons resemble trees. Positive thoughts are full with many branches, places of connection, and patterns. However, negative thoughts take on a form that is similar to a withered tree. One thought can set off another and another in what is called a “cascade effect.” One negative thought can easily lead to another and another unless we consciously work to stop it. With the Lord’s help, our thoughts can be pure, lovely and true.
Worry - Or Pray and Take Inventory
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
It is so easy to worry. With all the conveniences and connections in modern society, ending up overwhelmed and full of doubt and worry is almost inevitable. But, there is a better way. Finding it involves going against the current, but the battle is worth it. To begin, look at priorities. Decide and pray about what's important and what sort of legacy you want to leave behind. From there, look at each hour of your day, week, or month and decide how it should be spent (yes, sleep is a priority). Is the way you're spending your time now demonstrative of your values? In other words, would an outsider be able to see what you value just by watching you? If not, it's time for a change. Solidifying your priorities will remove the other mental clutter and leave far less to worry about. Who knows, the worry may all but vanish completely.
Joseph Was Left to Die by His Brothers
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If anyone had reason to remain bitter, it was Joseph in the book of Genesis. Yet he forgave his brothers, was reconciled to them, and provided for them. His forgiveness melted their hearts, and old wounds were somehow healed. Forgiveness isn't just a behavioral adjustment or psychological device. It is the sum and substance of every page and paragraph of the Bible. It's what the Bible is all about. It's the theme of the ages, the crux of the cross and gist of grace. Beware lest any root of bitterness spring up within you. * He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. *Martin Luther King, Jr., in his book, Strength to Love
Healing Thoughts
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
This week of Thanksgiving many have a myriad of feelings. When those feelings become uncomfortable, spread your arms wide to the Lord. Feel the feelings, learn from them, then release them to God. Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for our redemption. We don’t have to wait for some human person to come along and save us from our plight. Thank God for His unfailing love. Ask God for His healing oil to flow in over and through you exactly as you are. Have the courage it takes to be imperfect. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted and to set the captives free.
Open Rebuke
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Direct, honest, respect-filled correction will always be a gift to the person receiving it. Over time, one appreciates the truth that is shared. Why? Because it is love. Hidden love isn’t really love. It is self-preservation and leaves the other person abandoned with no feedback or help. Talk about selfishness! Loving those we say we love requires risk…risking enough to provide loving yet firm feedback when needed. Without it, we stagnate in our unhealthy behavior and never experience the freedom growth brings.
Hints for Survival as the Holidays and Family are Before Us...
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Before a family gathering: ***Make up your mind and prepare your heart ahead of time to bless and encourage your family members. ***Avoid a judgmental attitude about family members’ decisions, viewpoints and lifestyle choices. This may take some prayer and head/heart work ahead of time on your part. ***Take care of yourself and make sure to get enough rest before the family gathering. When we are well rested, it is easier for those harsh comments to roll off and it is easier to be patient with difficult people. When we are tired and stressed, things can seem worse than they really are. ***Avoid unrealistic expectations. We create some of our own stress by expecting our relatives to change or to stop doing the things that annoy us simply because it is the holidays. Those annoyances may not be intrinsically wrong. ***Allow room for differences in opinions and ways of doing things. ---Gleaned from life and paraphrased from the writings of Christine VanderWielen, MSW, LCSW at PFL.org
Wonderfully Made
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfuly made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139-14. King David, the writer of Psalm 139, informs us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Lord created us uniquely and specially for His purpose and glory. Our fingerprints, footprints, and even voiceprints are like no other person’s. We each have a unique biology, physiology, and psychology. God created each of us and calls His workmanship “very good!”
Slippery Slope
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Who hasn't heard the phrase "slippery slope"? The road to corruption certainly is one. It's easy to justify something that doesn't seem that bad, only to find that you've justified each step after the first with the same thought. Then one day you look up and wonder how you got where you are. If this is you, keep looking up and remember that where there is life there is hope. There is no unbreakable contract saying you must stay in your current condition. Awareness is the first step. Then, ask and look for help. There are many wonderful resources, ministries, and clinics available to walk beside you and teach you the skills you need to make it. There is always hope!
Weakness
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
“ I am weak but thou art strong...Jesus keep me from all wrong...” This country western song is one my Mother liked. I picture her at the stove singing along to the tune twanging out from the cupboard where the radio was kept. We don’t like weakness. Whether physical, mental, or emotional, weakness speaks of “out of control.” Out of control means unknown bad things can come out of nowhere and topple us. When we experience our weakness our mortality is awakened. Yes, we will die some day. The white wall of reality faces us as we look into the unstable. There comes a knowing our security is often simple habit. We watch our hero's fall into physical, emotional, or relational pits and we gasp. Another’s weakness reminds us of our own. "Jesus keep me from all wrong.”
Greedy
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Greed and withholding a blessing when it is yours to give are very much alike. Seeing something good in someone and holding back a validation of it because you think you’ll lose something of yourself is greedy. Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thy hand to do it. Proverbs 3:27 (ASV)
You Are Wanted
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
I don’t know how you came to be in this world. I don’t know who has walked out of your front door or who has walked out or been taken out of your heart. I don’t know if finding a seat with that group you wanted to be a part of was easy for you or if you circled the room like a lost puppy. I don’t know if life feels like one long rejection letter or one of acceptance and grace {or perhaps a bit of both}. But I do know this: You are wanted. Before you ever took your first breath, the God who spoke the world into being dreamed you up. Your life is his declaration of, “I want him, I want her, in this world at this particular time, in this particular place, for irreplaceable reasons.” (adapted from Dayspring by Lynda Savage)
Fighting Dogs
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Ever grab a stray dog by the ear? The likelihood of the dog turning to take a bite out of you is high. The same is true when we rush into a quarrel that is not ours to be involved in. Getting involved without permission or invitation for feedback runs the risk of defocusing the core disagreement on to what you say or do (or don’t say or do!). Stay out of the middle!! Or you may end up being the one who is bitten.
Enormous Power
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
We all have pre-recorded tapes that play in our minds. These tapes were largely created in our childhood. Our experiences as teens and adults can make some modifications to the tapes. For some of us we hear, “You are competent,” “you are worthy;” and for others of us we hear, “you can’t do it,” “why try?” What recordings are we making for our children? What recordings or re-recordings are we making for friends and family? Are we blessing those around us with encouraging, kind, and compassionate words? Your words have enormous power to uplift and encourage, use them well.
Discernment
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Discernment is an important and often overlooked ability in our relativistic society. Even though it's not a popular term it's still a necessary part of having healthy boundaries with ourselves and others. There is a law of cause and effect. Being able to discern right from wrong and using discernment in our relationships keep us from many pitfalls and pains. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you today as you make decisions in your daily life. Remember - if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.
Sharing
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
I am in a several day reunion with very old friends. I hear them chattering away in the other room. We talked into the very late night last night about how we are doing and how things are going. A wonder filled review of the faithfulness of God emerged in the heart of that sharing. I'd like to pass on to the reader a suggestion promoting the wonder of a time to review. A few moments thinking about answered spoken and unspoken prayers is a real encouragement.
Grabby People
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Grabby people are not fun. They suck the air out of the room for the sake of feeling like they are somebody. The behavior speaks for itself…little self-control or self-respect, no awareness of what others have contributed. Respecting who has done what and who is in which position allows for an inner sense of security to take hold. Truth is, life is a team effort. We are all standing on someone else's shoulders. And, each of us is somebody to God. Whether or not one is ever recognized, significance and security come from the reality of who God is and that He loves you. Rest in this fact today.
Being Who You Are
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Ever say what you think people want to hear? Ever try to keep others from being angry, afraid, going away, or disliking you? So much of this type of communication is a need to control. The need to control traps us. We end up feeling like victims, martyrs, or both. To be free we need to know where we stand and then when appropriate, say what we need to say. We can be gentle about it. No need to be tactless or cruel. We can be free by letting go and being who God made us to be.
Crabby
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Did you know if you put a crab in a bucket it will crawl out? If you put two crabs in a bucket niether will crawl out. When one tries to climb out, the other will pull it down. So it is with people with whom we surround ourselves. Negative people pull us down. If the subject regularly cannot be changed to a more positive flow when talking with your friends, it is time to loosen their grip on you.
The Upside of Change
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
We all get into patterns of acting and reacting to one another; especially in close relationships. However, sometimes those actions and reactions are unhealthy and need to change in order for the relationship to flourish. We not only need to be willing, but we also need to make a conscious effort, to change our patterns of behavior. In the words of Albert Einstein: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”
Building an Altar
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
If you know anything about the Israelites in the Bible then you know they often forgot all that God had done for them. You’d think after witnessing so many miraculous things they’d have no trouble believing, right? Well, we’re the same as the Israelites. We forget! When troubles and trials come our way we begin to worry, fret, and even get angry at and blame God. If you’re honest with yourself you can admit your guilt. I know I can. So, what can we do? Build an altar! If you’ve spent any time in the Old Testament of the Bible then you’ll remember that oftentimes the faithful after some significant event would build an altar. The purpose of this altar was to remember. How can you build an altar today? How about finding a marriage covenant certificate, printing it off, signing it, and framing it on your wall for all to see? How about creating a special day to be celebrated each year to commemorate the time your child stood up for his or her convictions against a Goliath? Or finding a picture or a decorative item to place on your wall to remind you of what God did when there seemed to be no way out?
Genuinely Happy for You!
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Sharing your good news; Sometimes people are happy for you and sometimes they respond with little or no affirmation. According to five different studies, when another person responds with positive enthusiasm for you, lots of good things happen. A genuine positive response to your good news increases positive outcome for the relationship. You like the other person more as an example, when you share a fun experience and they enjoy it with you. It seems that sharing an accomplishment and getting a good response leaves you feeling more than just fondness. You also feel more trusting and more willing to confide in that person with many types of experience.
No One Listens to Me
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Do you have the sense that you are often being ignored or brushed aside? If it happens a lot at work, in your marriage, or at social gatherings it is a sign that your relationships are in trouble. People listen to people they like. They also listen to people who respect themselves and others in a mutual way. If you have an angry or bitter air about you, people are not likely to listen to you. Doing an inventory of your own may help. Do you respect yourself? Are you consistently angry or negative? Do you like the people you are talking to? Be honest with yourself. Chances are one or more of these conditions are hurting your input into the conversation.
Pronouncements
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Saying what we are going to do and doing it are two different things. Pronouncements are well-intended plans and promises, but not always thought through. These statements take place when we do not take a look at what actually is needed or may be realistically provided. Saying what we mean and meaning what we say is important. To boast about doing something, embellish upon the facts or not follow through with promises destroys a person’s trust in you. We teach others not to believe a word we say. Pronouncements reveal a need for security and acceptance; both of which are found at the foot of the cross.
Reflections: Are You Lovable?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Love relationships are a mirror. We learn how and if we are lovable only by our interactions with people we love. Young children don’t think about the overworked mother who is stressed or a raging father’s childhood, they simply attribute negative exchanges as a reflection of their unworthiness. As children who mature or as adult children of these relationships, it is important first to know that the relationship where you learned your lovability or lack of lovability is the faulty part, not you as a person. That, simply put, is the healing part of recovery. God is not mad at you. He loves you. When the mirror reflects God’s love toward you, it is possible for a love filled life.
Tell Children As Soon As You Know
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Experts emphasize that parents should tell their children about their serious illness as soon as possible. Since children are able to sense very small changes in the dynamics of the family, neglecting to tell them about the illness will only make it harder for everyone, especially for children who will sense a troubling secret. Alketa Kumbaro, a Canadian child expert explains, “children will notice that things are different even if you do not tell them. They may say ‘mommy you don’t look like yourself’ or ‘mommy you’re hugging me too much/not enough.’ They might also start hearing things from friends or family members, so it is best to tell them yourself.”
More of Him
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Several years ago, I ran into my friend, Pam, and her six children at the store. All six children were either in the cart or holding onto the cart as they walked through the aisles. They were yelling, “We don’t need any, we don’t want any, you can’t make me buy any.” Witnessing this scene, I thought what a wonderful idea. Pam was teaching her children two big concepts. We don’t need everything nor will be get everything we want. To quote author and speaker, Matthew Kelly, “You cannot get enough of what you don’t really need.” Focusing on attaining things we don’t really need only leaves us empty. Ultimately, God and God alone can provide what we truly need: More of Him.
When We Walk in Their Shoes: When is Enough?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are many types of empathy. The sort that can momentarily feel another's concern and then step out to one's own perspective is best. A study sometime back showed that nurses who had the genuine empathy then stepping back type of ability performed best in a hospice setting. Those who stepped into the pain of the terminally ill's shoes and carried the other's concerns without stepping back, performed poorly. If you carry another person's pain without allowing room for knowing when to step in and out of that concern, you and your feelings may get in the way.
The Difference Between Hurt and Harm
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Consider this – sometimes love must be tough. True love’s goal isn’t to make the loved one happy; it’s for his or her best. And sometimes the best hurts or incites anger (and anger always comes from hurt, fear, or frustration anyway). Oftentimes people find themselves enabling negative behavior in another because they’re concerned about hurting or angering the person. But there is a difference between hurt and harm. Harm is done for the sole purpose of inflicting pain. Sometimes love hurts, but it never harms. So remove the alcohol from the house. Put on an internet filter. Remove yourself from the relationship. Shut the door. Don’t be afraid to hurt someone you love for fear of their reaction. Don’t take on other people’s problems. Do the loving thing by letting them deal with their own consequences. 1 Corinthians 13:6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Blaming Others
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
I heard a great story about a man who had a squeaky rocking chair. He worked on it long and hard yet every time he sat in it and rocked it still squeaked. Finally in exasperation, he took his shot gun and blew it to smithereens. To his surprise, he still heard squeaking. It was his knees. Often our irritation has a legitimate source, but we are quick to assign the problem outside of ourselves. I know in childhood, I had a relative who when something went wrong in the house, people called out his name. Once in a while it was his fault but much of the time it was not. I have to force myself sometimes to examine myself first when something goes wrong. How about you?
Men Often Feel Stuck
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Once in a while I try to count the men/couples I've worked with in the therapy room over the forty plus years of listening to them share their concerns. The total of men with whom I've spoken privately number in the many hundreds. I have to agree with Barbara Markway, PhD who writes the following: "Men are in a double-bind when it comes to expressing emotions. Although men may not always know what they're feeling, there's one thing they’re sure about: they’re convinced they’re in a major double bind. Women tell men to express their feelings, but when they do, women are often petrified, if not horrified. Women want men to show their feelings, but only certain feelings, and only in doses they can handle."
Pity or Empathy?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Do you have a sick friend or family member? Consider that pity shows a type of hopelessness. It can be a type of “awfulizing.” Empathy genuinely comes along side, shows encouragement, and it does not go to the pit of fear that pity can. So….do you show pity to your friend/loved one, or empathy?
Parent/Teen Cell Phone Contract
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Adapted From: Burley-Hofmann --1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren't I the greatest? --2. I will always know the password. --3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads "Mom" or "Dad." Not ever. --4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30 p.m. every school night and every weekend night at 9:00 p.m. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30 a.m. If you would not make a call to someone's land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected. --5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It's a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration. --6. If it falls into the toilet, smashes on the ground, or vanishes into thin air, you are responsible for the replacement costs or repairs. Mow a lawn, babysit, stash some birthday money. It will happen, you should be prepared. --7. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay totally out of the crazy in fighting crossfire. --8. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person. --9. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself. --10. No porn. Search the web for information you would openly share with me. If you have a question about anything, ask a reliable person -- preferably me or your father. --11. Turn it off, silence it, put it away in public. Especially in a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. You are not a rude person; do not allow the iPhone to change that. --12. Do not send or receive pictures of your private parts or anyone else's private parts. Don't laugh. Someday you may be tempted to do this. Cyberspace is vast and more powerful than you. And it is hard to make anything of this magnitude disappear -- including a bad reputation. --13. Don't take a zillion pictures and videos. There is no need to document everything. Live your experiences. They will be stored in your memory for life. --14. Leave your phone home sometimes and feel safe and secure in that decision. It is not alive or an extension of you. Learn to live without it. Be bigger and more powerful than FOMO (fear of missing out). --15. Download music that is new or classic or different than the millions of your peers that listen to the same exact stuff. Your generation has access to music like never before in history. Take advantage of that gift. Expand your horizons. --16. Play a game with words or puzzles or brain teasers every now and then. --17. Keep your eyes up. See the world happening around you. Stare out a window. Listen to the birds. Take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Wonder without googling. --18. You will mess up. I will take away your phone. We will sit down and talk about it. We will start over again. You and I, we are always learning. I am on your team. We are in this together.
How Do I Look?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A great article at PFL.org: "How Do I Look." Many points to consider as the children in your life learn about the difference between what media says is beautiful and real beauty. Here is a sample: "Do NOT allow demeaning/contemptuous comments of any kind about how your or other children look to each other at any age....Contempt for how a person looks is not funny and has hurtful effects even for those delivering the demeaning remark."
Jealousy
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Notice how you feel inside the next time someone else experiences success beyond what you expected. Is there a sense of rejoicing or is there envy? If not watched, success and influence corrupts one’s ability to rejoice in the success of others. Our pride is hurt and insecurity in our performance takes over. We give in to jealousy. The seduction that somehow “success” means we are better than others. How quickly we forget that God uses the simple to confound the wise. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
Beyond Roommates
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
“It is like we are roommates. We don’t fight, we get along, but something is still missing from our marriage.” I have heard this remark time and time again in the therapy room from couples who feel something is missing. The relationship may have started off strong but somewhere among the busyness of life, the relationship got off track. Marriage was designed to be beyond roommates – but it takes work and commitment. It takes prioritizing the relationship above all other horizontal relationships. It takes carving out time for one another to share hopes, dreams, fears, tears and laughter. With God, it is possible to have a marriage that is beyond roommates, and is mutually fulfilling.
Challenge Needed?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Has it occurred to you that we need challenge? God provides challenge because we often need practice turning to Him in our fears. Turning to God helps us grow in trust and in determination to watch for how He is going to work things out. Of course we can create our own challenges because we are bored or because we feel empty without doom and gloom or crisis. Even then, the Lord is loving in showing us, if we are open to seeing it, how we can be our worst enemy. If we turn toward Him we benefit as we learn to trust Him and watch for His way through. A good challenge either way is a great teacher in the hands of our loving Heavenly Father.
Hyper-Alert?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are people on hyper-alert much of the time. To them every little thing needs examination. They seem to react to the smallest detail just slightly off balance especially in relationships as in "I saw you look at me funny, why did you do that?" We can think paranoia when this happens, but true paranoia aside; there are other things to consider. Usually this person has been under a great deal of stress for a good length of time. Most of the time for the overly alert person, the long term stress has been repeated, with intervals of non-stress of course, beginning first in childhood. I say in intervals because a good bit of mental health survives, grows, and continues for long periods of time as an adult even if you have had to be on hyper-alert as a child. These intervals of peace multiply the more there are periods of time when the need for constant attention to real or perceived danger goes away.
Are Your Boundaries Being Respected?
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Every season on TV, networks try to push cultural lines farther and farther. Political groups work to change how society thinks and works. Boundary breaking individuals try to push us to compromise our standards. We live in a boundary breaking culture. Not many forces in our world work to uphold our boundaries so, with God’s help, we need to stand up for ourselves. If you find that your boundaries aren’t being respected, ask yourself this question: Do the boundary pushers and breakers in my life even know what my standards are? Typically, if a boundary has been clearly established, even the worst offenders realize they can only push so far. Advocate for yourself and make your boundaries known. Stick to them and you’ll find in a few weeks or a few months time that you can breathe easier because the pushing has stopped.
A Nice and Unique Conversation
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Just for the fun of it, here are a few questions (each one taking turns answering) that might make for a nice conversation: 1. Given the choice of having anyone in the world over for dinner, who would it be and why? 2. What would constitute a perfect day for you? 3. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? 4. For what in your life are you most grateful? (Ideas from Ehrenfeld)
Listen
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
"Listening is such a simple act," wrote management consultant Margaret J. Wheatley. "It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don't have to do anything else. We don't have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen."
Opposing View: What To Do
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Most relationship communication about “issues” involves two different viewpoints. A key to a clear path through a controversial subject is for both people to truly hear the other’s viewpoint. Before attempting to really hear another’s point of view: 1. Be rested and ready to respectfully validate. You don’t have to agree, just validate the position as something the person truly believes. 2. Agree to listen to each other’s whole opposing point before embarking on the other view. 3. If resolution seems impossible, establish that a true way to rest with the differing views is to agree to disagree. 4. Let go and let God. A differing view is just that. Holding one or the other, including yourself, in contempt over the unresolved is a dead end.
None of Us is That Far From Crazy
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
God is God even in intense inner turmoil. People actually believe crazy thoughts. They believe them for lots of reasons, take your pick; nature, nurture, influence, or drugs. None of us is that far from crazy. Yesterday I sat with a woman who shared thoughts that though seemingly bizarre, had root in experience. The conclusion she made was not healthy, but where the thoughts came from is understandable. How do we sort through those “just true enough” thoughts? We ask God to help us, measure the thoughts against scripture, and act on the shred or more of belief about God’s love for us that we currently have. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. Grab that Truth. Hold on. Sanity is near. God is close to the broken and is Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals.
Courage
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Looking into the face of need takes courage. It takes even more courage to give what you have to give. Some can give money, some compassion, others food and shelter, more importantly we all can pray. Peter and John did this to one man on their way to the temple. Among the hundreds of people present, they dared to look into the face of one man. And, they gave what they had both physically and spiritually. The same need is present today. Beyond the obvious we see on the outside is the need within. Touch one soul today. Someway, somehow, take what God has given you, look into the face of need and dare to give.
We'll Get Through It
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If you knew you only had minutes left to live, what choices would you regret? Would you wish you had spent more time at work? Would you think about money you never earned? What would be the kinds of choices you would want back? You would think about God. You would think about the people you love and probably how you wish you had chosen to spend more time with them. You would want to have told them how much they mean to you--again and again and again. So don’t wait: Talk to God. Tell your people how much they mean to you. If you don’t have friendship with God that says to you, “It’s going to be okay. I love you. We’ll get through it,” find it.
Take a Look Around
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Have you ever taken a look around and wondered how did I get here? Whether we were driving on autopilot or intended to get one place and ended up somewhere else because we were in the habit of going in a particular direction. Likewise, sometimes when we consider our circumstances we wonder how did I get here. Whatever happens to us, whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we can be sure that it passed by God's desk and received His stamp of approval first. When we don' t understand, we can rest in the assurance that God does. He knows because He sees the beginning and the end. God promises that He is with us always. He will never leave us nor forsake us -- even when we don't know where we are or how we got there.
Be Content
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
"To be content with little is hard; to be content with much, impossible." -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830-1916), Austrian writer
Don't Be Ruled by Anger, Bitterness or Resentment
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
What’s ruling you? Anger, bitterness, and resentment are hard emotions to deal with. They often manifest in many different ways in our lives, including outbursts of anger, passive-aggressiveness, depression, and through other harmful avenues. Do a heart check today and ask God to reveal any hidden mad, sad, bad emotions today and ask Him for help to forgive and let go. If you’re unsure about forgiveness check out the book Forgiveness is a Choice by Dr. Robert Enright or call the Center for Family Healing at (920) 720-8872 for more information on forgiveness therapy groups or individual counseling.
Our Life Blood
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Posted by Randy Bohon: I hope this is not long but I woke this morning at 4am thinking about things and this analogy came to me, for me. Maybe it will mean something to someone else. Besides anesthesiology I work in Hyperbaric Medicine. This is medicine that places people in pressure chambers of up to 3 atmospheres of pure oxygen for wound healing or Carbon monoxide poisoning etc. People with Diabetes or other ills that cause blood vessels to "shrink and die giving little or no blood flow to tissues thus making them sick or die and Carbon monoxide gets hold of hemoglobin in our blood and won't let real Oxygen be taken up and deliver its life to our tissues and thus we die. Life giving blood is not available. With hyperbaric oxygen everyday for a series of 30 or so treatments Hi tension oxygen is forced into areas that have not had good blood flow for a long time and thus cannot heal. Over this period of time neovascularization happens, that is new blood vessels start to and do grow into this old dying tissue and bring new life to it. It miraculously begins to heal. Or in the case of Carbon monoxide, hi tension O2 forcibly replaces the false oxygen (carbon monoxide) and restores life. I have let hurts or other things into my life that have lead to areas of me that have not functioned well and have started to become emotionally sick or spiritually sick. Hurts that have made a simmering anger that has not let me be completely joyful, or little areas of my life that I have told myself that that's alright I'm not perfect and that is just me (getting angry and telling some one to go ---- themselves because I was right and they weren't) I have been reading "Holiness" by a woman named Demoss. I have begun to realize that I need to let myself be in an atmosphere where I am pressurized by the Holy Spirit each day, to cause a new growth of spiritual vessels into those dying areas of my life that have very little of Christ's blood flowing to them. I can not heal those areas by myself, I need the restorative blood of Christ to be delivered to those areas and cause healing and new growth of blood vessels so there is a constant blood flow to those injured areas.
We Don't Have the Full Picture
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Have you ever tuned in to a TV show in the middle for a few minutes or picked up a book and read just a page or two the middle? The story just doesn’t make sense. It is because you don’t have the beginning or the end surrounding what you have seen or read. Sometimes when we are frightened or feeling unsteady about a crisis in our days, often we are worrying because a very few pages of our life experience are beating us up. We must remember the faithfulness of God in what He has done and will continue to do. He didn’t bring us this far to leave us. Our story is far from over even in our final days. Psalm 139:16 says: “…in thy book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.” -KJV (Adapted from Melody Beattie)
What We Think We Know...May Be Harmfully Wrong
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Some of the best advice I've received is to question what I think I know about people. Many don’t know, but they think they know. (And, they like to talk about what they think they know.) It’s a dangerous supposition in relationship to others to act upon what you think you know about them without solid, unshakable, and conclusive verification. Be careful to examine what you think you know. Giving the benefit of the doubt is a very good place to be when it comes to what you hear about others and what you think about others. An old adage goes like this: “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.” There is wisdom in this old saying. I personally have mis-stepped in this department. I’ll bet you have too.
Change
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Change is a joint effort. Most of our growth in life comes from hearing and seeing what others are doing, then integrating what works with our own lives. Little children learn by copying those older than them. Sometimes that is great and other times a bit scary. So…when it comes to change, real life change, we need outside help. Life-long change comes from allowing others to sow seeds into our lives and then letting the seed take root. When Israel left Egypt, scripture states, “For the Lord brought you out of Egypt with His mighty hand.” (Exodus 13:9b) God uses His Word, people, music, and many other ways to sow seeds into our lives. Let the seed(s) take root and come out of your Egypt.
Unwanted Sexual Thoughts and Kicking them Out
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Fifty Shades of Lies is a possible book title yet to be written. (Fifty Shades of Gray is basically a so called soft porn book and very popular.) Sexual stimulation in our culture works its way into a “normalcy” that isn’t normal at all. 1 Corinthians 10:13 has practical teaching as to what to do with temptation. The short of getting rid of sexual temptation is to stop exposure and stop the thought associated with sexual temptation. A few facts will help: Know that God provides ways of escape when invasive sexual thoughts arrive, and know that choosing the way of escape over and over will diminish and eventually extinguish temptation to entertain the thought. Do not self-condemn even if you need to chase out the thought twenty times every ten minutes. Continue to say to the thought: get out of here, that is not who I am. The thought(s) will subside eventually. An accompanying prayer is to say: Jesus, I invite you in to my struggle. I need your help. I ask you be Lord of every bit of this and ask that you cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Thank you Lord for your unfailing love.
Make a Healthier Choice
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
We’ve all got habits we’d like to change. Maybe it’s a disrespectful tone taken with a spouse or child at certain moments. Maybe it’s the tendency to go to things like coffee or the internet for comfort instead of God. We’d all like to make healthier choices but are often at a loss at how to change. Here’s a quick guide to use as a tool to help you break out of these unhealthy sinful patterns: 1. Present your concern to God. Ask for guidance, wisdom, and power. 2 Timothy 1:7 - For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 2. Take a break and breathe. When you find yourself in the situation during which you choose your unhealthy, sinful habit: Stop. Don’t do anything. Don’t react. Just give yourself a moment to think. While you’re doing this take a few deep breaths to calm yourself and let the thinking part of your brain kick in. 3. Identify and analyze. HALT! What’s going on with you at the time of your unhealthy behavior? Are you (H)urting/(H)ungry, (A)ngry, (L)onely, (T)ired? (Think HALT.) Is what’s going on reminding you of something hurtful or frightening from the past? What’s really going on? 4. Choose a different behavior. You’ll likely find with God’s help and through developing the ability to stop yourself in the moment - that choosing the new healthy behavior is easier. It won’t be simple but, over time and with practice and prayer, God will help you change your habits and tendencies for the better.
Affairs Don't Solve the Problem
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If you are having an affair and want your marriage, you will need to end your affair. People often look outside the marriage to avoid a personal look at why they chose their spouse in the first place. Very simply put (and not all there is to it) that is; to complete an empty part of themselves. As a marriage matures, it becomes clear that you cannot complete yourself with another's real or imagined attributes. As I do marital therapy complicated by an affair, hope is essential. When responsible changes for personal choice and development are seen and made by each person in the marriage, hope increases.
Transference and Parenting
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
From: Nancy Rappaport, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Resiliency Strategy for Parenting: Watch out for transference. This is when something from one's own life clouds the ability to see a child for who he or she is. All of us have, as Selma Fraiberg described in her landmark paper, "Ghosts in the Nursery," unrememberd experiences of our own childhood that may impact who we are as parents. Often, this divides parents on how to deal with the child. Something as simple as your child failing a class or not wanting to play soccer can be very evocative. Classic signs of transference include one parent being overly protective while the other is furious; a parent believing he's the only person that can help the child; or a parent being harder than she wants to be or finding herself giving long-winded lectures. If this sounds familiar, it may be a red flag and time to step back and consider the source of this behavior. If you figure out what baggage belongs to whom, this clarity will allow you to be more helpful to your child.
I Will.....
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A list of things to be accomplished on any given day is always different at the beginning of the day than at the end. More typically, it is much shorter; not that anyone is surprised about this. The list is shorter because the initial list of tasks is frequently idealistic, challenging one beyond what skills, time management, and energy can accomplish. Facing limitations may not be the most favorite task but it is a freeing one. Limitations place us in a position of enjoying the present. With limitations there is laughter with friends or family, enjoyable music to listen to, great naps (just to name a few) and still more to do. Let’s enjoy the limitations we have. Without them life would be exhausting and boring!
Freak or Forge On
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Did you know that in Chinese, the symbol for the word “crisis” is the same symbol used for the word “opportunity?” Two sides of the same coin. In other words, perspective is everything at and after these times. Your next crisis may be your next opportunity.
Twists and Turns
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
In the twists and turns of life, we all get bumps and bruises along the way. Sometimes we can feel so down and defeated that the only way to look is up. At times like that, it is important to remember the truth – God’s truth: No matter what our circumstance, God loves us and is there for us. We were each fearfully and wonderfully made. His love is so complete there is nothing we can do to add to it nor subtract from it. Our value and significance to God is immeasurable. Jesus willingly went to the cross for each of us. That is truth we can all live with, eternally.
Standing Firm
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Suffering happens. Suffering is part of the “stuff of life.” Grieving this reality is tough especially when you lost home, job, children, or security. Standing firm in what you know is real becomes foundational. God loves me. God is for me. I am lovable and capable of loving. This too shall pass. Easy to say but difficult to live. Circumstances have nothing to do with God yet everything to do with God. How we respond in the face of this reveals one’s depth of integrity, depth of character and belief system. The phrase “On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground is sinking sand. All other ground is sinking sand.” (Hymn “The Solid Rock”) What are you standing on?
Daydreaming is Good
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We used to think daydreaming was a sign of lazy, wandering minds. Recent research out of St. Louis and Yale indicates that daydreaming is good. It gives our brains a chance to try on behaviors. It also reboots our brains for future goal-directed activity. With TV, smart phones, and electronic games occupying our brains, we don't take as much time to imagine. Who knew we or our elders may have been off base when chastising kids for losing focus?
Evaluation
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
How many times have we evaluated ourselves based on someone else’s opinion of us? If we are honest with ourselves - probably too many times to count. We cannot control another person's reaction to us or of our work. Nor are we responsible for another person’s reaction or opinion of our work…or of us. Therefore, we cannot evaluate ourselves based on another person's opinion or reaction to us. Thankfully, we are only responsible and held accountable for our own behavior and attitudes.
Kids with Fears: Get the Real Deal
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We work a lot with children who have fears. There are many ways to help them through to calm, but the first step is to MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE CHILD’S FEAR BEFORE TRYING TO ALLAY IT. Listen carefully to your child as they explain what’s bothering them. Don’t jump to conclusions. We know you have a thousand other things to do in your busy parenting life, but do not assume that saying: “Don’t worry” will help. For kids too young to put words on their fear, it may be helpful for them to draw a picture. One young boy was afraid to spend the night in his grandparent’s home. When he “drew his worry” he drew a scary looking bear. Mom knew exactly the source of the problem. The room where Grandpa kept his antique toy bear collection was where the child slept. Grandma and Grandpa made sure the bears were locked away and explained they “couldn’t get back.”
Who Owns the Problem?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If you have listened to Practical Family Living on radio very much, you have heard me ask "who owns the problem?" We can be loving, supportive, nurturing, and caring to the point of our own spiritual/emotional neglect. It's the last part of the sentence we need to evaluate. Ask God to help you determine if the amount of support of others is of Him. Sometimes we rob people of coping mechanisms by doing their "work" for them. Be gentle with yourself as you learn how faithful God is to guide you in this. Ask God, then yourself, who owns "the problem" in a burdensome relationship. It's a great place to start.
When People Stumble
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
So many, especially those in positions of authority, are held to a higher standard. The same happens in families. When someone you admire is in authority over you and they fail, it’s a test. Are you going to treat them with respect or are you going to air their dirty laundry. There are many opportunities when we can air the faults of another OR see past the fault to the vulnerability behind the fault. To point out the fault, remind them of it, or make fun of the person will only distance the relationship, bringing death to trust in the long run. If we respect the person (not to mention God) we will look to cover them with mercy and grace in their time of need.
An Audience of One
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
At times, it is easy to forget that ultimately we live and work for an audience of One. We can get caught up in the present and try to please those around us first. But we are called to be faithful to the Lord, not to be perfect or pleasing to man in all that we do. (For this, I am very thankful because I fall short so often.) God does not evaluate the results of our work like a judge. Rather, He looks at the attitude of our heart
Interesting Brain Function Info from our Mental Health Clinic
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
*Research findings in brain function in Center for Family Healing therapy with couples and individuals: (More found at pfl.org.) An interesting aspect of recent relationship research is that the brain triggers hormones, with both positive and negative results, as people relate to each other. Knowing how and when the brain is triggered in relationships is key to good therapy. At the Center for Family Healing, the therapist teaches individuals, couples, and families to find healthy ways to respond to tension in their relationships. How people respond to tension within themselves or in a relationship will help clients achieve their personal and relationship goals. *Just a note: “Relationships and the Brain” is found this week in the rotating articles featured on the homepage of pfl.org. This article gives a small glimpse of a focused five-day exclusive training the therapists at the Center received directly from the author of Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances from Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships (Norton Professional Books). Brent Atkinson, the author of this book, was brought by the Center for a five-day seminar to teach seven of the CFH therapists the neurobiology of relationships and therapeutic interventions that work based on this data. The article refers also to the 2009 Summer PFL Newsletter wherein therapists write about their work having to do with relationships and the brain. In addition, if one writes “brain” in the search engine at pfl.org, 27 articles and broadcasts come up for your information regarding how the brain works in relationships.
Owning Who We Are
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Owning Who We Are Part of owning who God made us to be is learning to communicate clearly. We don't have to beat around the bush in our conversations to make sure others are "OK" with what we are attempting to say. Hinting at what we need doesn't work. Others can't read our minds. If we need to say no to something, we can. If we don't know what to say, we can say that too. We don't have to be indirect to keep from stepping on toes. We can be tactful and assertive at the same time. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. God is omnipotent and cares for you. Invite Him in to your learning to be clear in communication.
The Power of the Ask
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The Power of the Ask (What I've seen of this blog, I like-Lynda) "It did not feel good to say I needed something, to say I was lacking. But I’m (re-)learning that it’s the beginning of everything good. People have been eager to help, but they couldn't–until they knew what I needed. By saying what I need–what I’m missing–I’m filling those gaps. I’m learning the power of the ask. It’s painful and vulnerable and kind of terrible (sound familiar?), but it’s worth it." Ann Bogel - See more at: http://modernmrsdarcy.com/category/relationships-family
Beliefs that Mess You Up
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
(From the Archives at PFL.org) *She/he already knows how I feel. *Who cares if anyone else suffers? I have rights too. *I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. *If you want to get ahead, you have to step on a few toes. *What if I say the wrong thing? *Nice guys don’t win ball games. *He/she doesn’t care how I feel. *I’ll come on strong; then no one will know how scared I am. *I don’t want to rock the boat. * What you say will hurt me so I monopolize the conversation.
Hardened
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A hardened heart or mind does not happen overnight. It is nurtured, discussed, rehearsed, and even justified by well-meaning individuals. As understandable as mad, bad, sad feelings are, we have a responsibility to consider how we manage these feelings. Even Cain was warned by God to not let sin take root in his heart. He dismissed the warning (apparently). The result was being driven out of the Lord’s presence into the land of Nod; meaning unrest, wandering and exile. That is exactly what happens when we list all the reasons why we can remain jealous, resentful or punishing. Our hearts and minds live in a state of unrest and wandering. Watch for the signs! Change your course and live in rest.
Anxiety Head On
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Anxiety is meant to be a normal reaction to the occasional stressful situation. However, many people experience it excessively and suffer because it has come to be an everyday thing. There are three good habits that can help you if this experience is yours. 1. Ask instead of assume. Some people assume a situation is fearful or become overly responsible because they haven’t enough information. 2. Face the anxiety provoking thing head on. Breathe. Walk it out. Learn that the fear of what it might be like is nearly always exaggerated. 3. Stay in the now. Worrying about how bad it will be tomorrow, next month, or next year keeps your mind and body revved up. Say to yourself: “With God’s help, can I get through this moment, this hour right now?” The answer is yes.
Rebuffed and Ruffled Can Make You Smarter
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Everyone hurts. There is a special kind of hurt when we are slighted. Our sensitivities to rejection heighten. A Duke University study showed that people who have been recently ignored in a social group tend to better identify smiles that are phony from the genuine. This being smarter doesn't help when our need to belong is wounded. The antidote to this rejection sensitivity is a faithful and honest friend, group, or family member. One who doesn't major in the minors yet who acknowledges the hurt while encouraging moving on. Having negotiated being rebuffed and ruffled by rejection big or small, we then can be that kind of support. Wisdom and sorrow go hand in hand. (Ecclesiastes 1:18)
Do Over!
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
I remember playing 500 with neighbor kids growing up. You probably know the game in which someone kicks the ball up in the air and the other kids try to catch it. Depending on where you catch it, you score points. When someone gets to 500 points then they kick the ball. Every once in a while, there is a wild kick that goes astray. Someone yells “Do over!” and that kick does not count. It was never a big deal, the ball was just kicked again and we just moved on with the game. There are many times I need a “Do over.” I admit that my words and attitudes can be harsh at times and I need forgiveness from God and loved ones. I am thankful that throughout the bible, the Lord reminds us, He is a God of second chances and He lets us have a “Do over and over and over.” “God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out.” Psalm 30:2 (The Message)
What Do You Do When Someone Has Become Angry With You
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
(Not someone abusive or a stranger, but someone who is a close loved one who is normally not an angry person. This angry state has come about concerning something involving the two of you. This commentary speaks to mild anger, not rage or abuse.) 1. If there is disagreement, stay calm and disagree respectfully. If you feel that something you've said or done is being misinterpreted kindly explain in a calm manner. If it is a boundary violation on your part, genuinely ask for space to think about what is being said and then genuinely think about it. Promise not to abandon the person because of the anger or the issue, and then be sure you do not emotionally abandon them for bringing up a potentially tough subject. 2. Be very honest. Do not deny or minimize. Do not get into a false “I’m sorry” just to calm the situation. Do not accept belittling or personal put-downs. Ask for a different setting to discuss the situation when both can be more settled. 3. Be respectful of your own needs and limitations. Pray. You may need a third party professional to mediate if the topic is an on-going trigger between the two of you.
Decisions, Decisions!
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Waking up to a new day of tasks and events to face can be fun, exciting, challenging or just plain overwhelming depending on how you are hard wired. Being a detail person or a dreamer, it doesn’t matter. Facing the day means facing a blank canvas in which we can look back on at the end of the day to see what has been filled in. Genesis tells us, “The earth was formless and empty…” Even God took His time creating just exactly what He wanted so at the end of day he could say, “This is good!” The same is true for each of us. No matter the day, task, event, or relationship, we have the privilege of being a creator of how this day may look by the time our heads hit the pillow tonight. The decisions may not always be easy ones. Covered in the awareness that God is with us and ‘gets it’ is a comfort. Allow yourself the privilege of decision making today in God’s presence, learning from your decisions, and moving forward to tomorrow with renewed vision and hope from decision-making with Him. You will be able to look back and say, “It is good!”
Valentine's Day: Cheesy or Not, Affection Appreciated
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The following is from an anonymous male: "We really are in a bind. Yes, it's a schmaltzy holiday, originally associated with St. Valentine, as the legend goes, now thoroughly co-opted by capitalism. Yes, it's better to just have a nice talk about how awfully exploited we all are, by the hype, and how we should just go about our relational business. But pragmatically, we can't just ignore the day entirely. Even the most jaded and snarky woman will want something special on the day of. Just "nothing too cheesy," or "nothing too romantic," she'll say... I suspect that what they (the women) really want is an attempt, however lame, to honor them and show them affection." her.meneutics blog, ChristianityToday.com
Anxiety/Fear/Catastrophizing
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We all know the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. Our hearts race, our fingers sweat, and our breathing gets shallow. Racing thoughts dominate about a perceived threat that we think is too much to handle. Our "fight or flight" response has kicked in. It’s a brain thing. This morning a friend called with an attack of this kind. She calmed when I shared the facts of the condition so I share it here. Our brain protects us by triggering hormones to help us deal with what seems to be danger. Deliberately relaxing muscles can help slow down the ramped up “juices” that flow through the body. Evaluating the racing thoughts will bring reality to the "over the top" worry. Putting a stop to how bad things might get is something our built in “mind manager” can do. All of this and more about anxiety and panic is to be learned at: PFL.org. Type in the words anxiety or panic in the search line. We have hundreds of resources there on this topic from our therapists free for you and your loved ones.
Blow Up - Then Shut Up?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We all have emotional/relational upheavals. In the midst of these, the last thing most of us want to do is get humble. We want to be loud and proud and prove our point--at least I do. I know by experience that the best thing to do is step away from the battle and ask God to tell me the truth. I know also by experience that in these struggles I have at least a little part in the problem. At these times I need quiet. The quiet is what allows me to "humble (ourselves), therefore, under God's mighty hand" (1 Peter 5:6) When we cast our cares on God, His love comes through without judgement...as well as the correction/answers we need. Our fight and flight hormones subside. Our crazy emotions lift to give room for us to admit where we are and to focus not on another's "unfair" behavior, but on allowing God to work on us. (Adapted and personalized from Lysa Terkeurst in "Craving God," Zondervan Press, 2013, pg. 91)
Super Bowl Sunday - A Side You May Not Know
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
"Super Bowl Sunday is upon us; a holiday anticipated by nearly half of all households in the United States. Sadly, while water cooler debaters dissect the virtues of Super Bowl ads and halftime shows and the nation’s eyes are glued to the spectacle, a horrific crime will be perpetrated in plain sight. Human trafficking. Sexual slavery. Twelve to 14 year old girls forced to have sex 20-48 times per day, victims of supply-and-demand who are likely to be murdered sometime before escaping their “careers.” Many of them are runaways or abductees, owned by pimps who control them through violence, intimidation and worse. That’s reality for the victims of sex-trafficking who will be among the hundreds of thousands descending on Super Bowl XLVIII this weekend, slaves brought to the event by a perfect storm of increased demand – Americans being trafficked to Americans by other Americans – all in the shadows of one of the most-watched sporting events on the planet. It sounds unbelievable, but it’s a disturbing truth: America’s beloved game is also the largest venue for human trafficking in the world." Karen Countryman-Roswurm
Mean Girls
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The psychological term for mean girls is relational aggression, which is covert bullying using emotionally abusive tactics, psychological control, and manipulation. The added kicker is that not only you as an individual are attacked, but your peer relationships and social status are undermined. Relational aggression occurs more among girls than boys. What can parents/teachers/concerned adults do? Recognize it starts as early as four years old-much earlier than people think. Often this behavior is hidden from others; a “let’s not play with so and so” is covered with a layer of pretended sweetness in the company of adults. Watch for it. Put a verbal and behavioral stop to it immediately and as often as it occurs.
Confession & Consideration
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Seeking happiness? We may underestimate something that gives it, especially in important relationships. That something is consideration. Simple, small gestures of kindness go a huge way in stopping tense and negative relationship strain. Gestures such as: a kind word, a nice card, an affectionate hug with no expectation in return, or speaking in a soft loving tone. Where does the go power come from to change a negative position to a positive stance with a loved one? At its most effective it comes from confession to God of our helplessness, anger, or grudges. After genuine confession, a sense of gratitude and being forgiven renews our outlook. It is then we are able to be generous - after we have been treated generously by our loving God.
Mistakes & Regrets
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
True story: A patient dies...a young doctor, who made a mistake that cost the patient's life, wants to give up---years later (he continued his practice) he tells a nurse who, (not his fault) unexpectedly lost a patient, wants to quit: " ... many more people will experience life because you are resilient despite your regrets." This is true for us as well.
It's Just a TV Show...Right?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Keep your marriage fresh and alive. How? Turn off the TV. Programs that show unrealistic, unstable ups and downs, trust betrayed, and come close/go away relationships of many television programs (often soaps) actually negatively impact marriage. -Science Daily, "Then TV and Marriage Meet: TV's Negative Impact on Romantic Relationships" (9/12)
Perfectionism and the Parent-Child Relationship
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
In the parent-child relationship, perfectionism sets up unrealistic standards of behavior and performance for the child. When the child does not meet these expectations, the child is subtly shamed. The parent views the imperfections as a personal attack and may withhold words of affirmation or touch or may be harsh with discipline. In turn, this causes a rift in the relationship. The child responds by either internalizing the parents' disappointment and begins to think negatively about himself or externalizes the disappointment and lashes out at others when they do not meet arbitrary expectations. Although well meaning, the parents' responses to imperfection stifle growth. The child has a need to be loved unconditionally and accepted regardless of performance and behavior.
Forgiveness Means Time
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Not too long ago I met with an eleven-year-old girl who was being adopted by her stepfather. Her father left her mother when she was two months old refusing to have anything to do with them. This she knew only because of what had been passed on through stories from family members. After a few minutes of talking about her experience, she dropped silent, tears running down her face. We sat together for some time in silence. Struggling to talk she managed to get out the words, “I have to get through the tears first.” The simple wisdom of her words seemed so clear. She was not concerned so much with understanding why, as she was with allowing her grief to be just what it was: grief. We often rob ourselves of an opportunity to experience God’s love for us when we try to cover our grief with intellectual analysis, busyness, or plain old denial. The death of my brother parallels this. For seven years I attempted to cover the fact I felt grief. Only after allowing the grief to be present and allowing God to comfort me did I become comfortable with the fact that there was a loss. The understanding that followed altered my character, personality, and life’s work. In time, this eleven-year-old girl may not grieve as hard for her situation. In the meantime her focus is simply to cry and receive comfort.
This is A Season of Loss for Some
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
We have seasons when we mourn for our lost loved ones. For some, the goodbye was not the best. What was your relationship with a deceased loved one? It makes a difference. Was there a chance to say "goodbye" and find peace with the person? Was there an opportunity to forgive and be forgiven? If not, abuse, neglect, separation, harsh words can continue to sting when the person is gone. Think of them and yourself at their and your best. Believe the best about their and your ability to let go and let God. Honoring the good qualities of the person and yourself as well as the faithfulness of God can be healing.
Thoughts.....We Are Not at Their Mercy
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A thought is often a simple thing. Here is one: My Sister is coming over today. This is straightforward and fact. Truth. For some, adding worries to the thought is a habit. In many cases, what we add to a simple thought creates misery; misery because our additions may be packed with fears and untruths. After a simple thought a negative addition to it might look like: “It’s not going to go well. I don’t have time to finish my project and she will be here and I won’t be able to get what I need done. Not only will I not have time for what I need, my Sister starts on long conversations that lose me and will take forever to end.” The fact is we do not have to cooperate with thoughts that go past the simple and factual. Stopping thoughts that go past the simple and factual goes something like: 1. What is the bare-bones truthful fact about the original thought? 2. Have I added to the simple fact of this thought? 3. What will my life be like if I stop adding my fears to simple factual thoughts? 4. If my fears start to come true, what can I do about them to take care of myself? We can sift our thoughts and accept or reject them. We can also sift and modify thoughts about our thoughts. We can plan our responses to our thoughts and our fears. A great plan, is to invite Jesus in to every stage of our thinking process.
Rejection Hurts
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Rejection hurts. It hurts physiologically (neurologically speaking) and it hurts our feelings. Reputable science confirms this. In fact our brains respond so similarly to rejection and physical pain that taking a Tylenol will reduce both the emotional impact of rejection in the same way it reduces physical pain. (Guy Winch, Ph.D., July, 2013) In short, regrouping with a person or persons who accept and love you unconditionally after rejection is conducive to major healing. Not talking rebound escapism here, but the kind of love and acceptance found similar to and in a non-toxic favorite grandmother’s home. It may take time, but it is in this context that rest and taking real stock of your lovability and worth happens.
Weakness and Strength
Suzan Myhre, M.S.S.W., LICSW, LPC
All of us have weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Most of us have struggled hard with these limitations. We struggle to be rid of them; we struggle with the fact that they are in our lives (how unfair is that?) What if we were to accept the fact there are certain vulnerabilities and limitations that are hard wired into our makeup? (Not talking about sin here.) What if they needed first to be accepted and even understood? Once this takes place, we can stop fighting ourselves. We can allow God's grace to minister to us. Then we can "come into" the strength that Paul speaks of in 2 Corinthians. When we get out of the way of what God wants to do in us and through us, we will then see His power at work in the middle of our weaknesses. Paul acknowledges his vulnerability as a gift. When we do the same, we allow for God to be God. Modified from PFL.org article by Suzan Myhre, MSSW
Trauma and the Body
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Normal physical stress responses to traumatic events: The symptoms of traumatic stress are not just emotional—they’re also physical. It’s important to know what the physical symptoms of stress look like, so they don’t scare you. They will go away if you don’t fight them: ◾Trembling or shaking ◾Pounding heart ◾Rapid breathing ◾Lump in throat; feeling choked up ◾Stomach tightening or churning ◾Feeling dizzy or faint ◾Cold sweats ◾Racing thoughts There are emotional responses to trauma as well yet it is equally important to understand how the body reacts to these events.
Differences
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend. - Thomas Jefferson
10 Beliefs That Will Really Mess You Up
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
*She/he already knows how I feel *Who cares if anyone else suffers? I have rights too. *I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. *If you want to get ahead, you have to step on a few toes. *What if I say the wrong thing? *Nice guys don’t win ball games. *He/she doesn’t care how I feel. *I’ll come on strong; then no one will know how scared I am. *I don’t want to rock the boat. * So I monopolize the conversation. I know what is right.
Not Going There Again
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Have you ever looked back on a black hole you almost fell into but by the grace of God stepped back just in time to keep your sanity and well-being intact? It keeps us thankfully watchful to remember those times. It’s important though, to also remind ourselves that that was then, this is now. Today is a good day to celebrate God’s goodness and faithful presence. He who burns himself on hot milk blows on ice cream. (Turkish Proverb)
Suffering
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Suffering sorts out what we truly believe. (Inspired by Pastor Lee writing in Christianity Today 8/2013)
Checklist for Viewing Social Media
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Have you ever compared yourself to what you are seeing online? Sometimes people have a lapse of reality when looking at posts on social media. Your young people may be specially affected by what they are seeing. Realities and discussion points to have with yourself or your youngster: *Be aware that people tend to post what’s positive (or dramatic) in their lives. It’s what they want others to see, rather than how their lives really are. *Realize you may hold some concepts or myths that need challenging such as the following: 1. Always/never thinking – Making generalizations in the negative, such as “I’m never invited to their gatherings.” 2. Focusing on the negative – Socially comparing ourselves in the negative, such as “How come my life is not as cool as hers?” 3. Thinking with your feelings – Believing your negative feelings to be real, such as “I feel lousy; I must be a loser.” 4. Beating ourselves up for not having what others have, such as “I’m a bad mom because I didn’t give my child a big birthday party like she did.” 5. Labeling – The tendency to negatively judge yourself or others, such as “He’s bragging on Facebook again!” 6. Personalizing – Believing other people’s postings are poor reflections on you, such as “She has more 'likes' for her Facebook comments than me - what’s wrong with me?”
Apology Rejected?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Have you ever suffered because you have become aware that some close person in your life has not forgiven you? When our actions or inactions have harmed another person, usually a close friend or relative, we may literally suffer if they do not forgive us after our apology. The literal suffering comes in the form of rejection. Perhaps we have rejected them whether meaning to or not, then they, in retaliation, have rejected us. Research tells us that the loss found in rejection causes reactions in the brain similar to physical pain. Most times this can be resolved by, in your apology, letting the other person know that you “get” how they felt as well as how they were impacted by your actions
The Courage to Fail
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
When we try to be better or “more” than other people, we probably are demonstrating a desire for self-elevation and prestige. This indicates that we believe we are only worthwhile if we “win” or are superior to others. Consider the courage it takes to make effort to become better for our own development. It takes courage to let go of a need to compare ourselves to others. Our mistakes along the way to becoming better for our own reasons become aids to learning… not failures. Mistakes are unavoidable for anyone seeking development. It is how we think about ourselves (as learners about life) and what we do (doing a few small things as well as we can) after our mistakes that matters.
We Become What?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
People wonder about mass shootings, murder, and sexual deviancy in our culture today. There is something called “cognitive rehearsal” that we as therapists use to help people change unwanted behavior. That is, if you want to change behavior, rehearse in your mind the behavior you want. With thousands of games being played hundreds of thousands of times involving shooting, killing, bombing and maiming, is it any wonder a person will act on what they have rehearsed hundreds of times in electronic gaming and/or pornography? Long ago before we called it cognitive rehearsal, a Proverb was written: “As a person thinks in his heart, so is he" (23:7). We become like what we think about.
Remembering the Future
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
If you inherited a million dollars, what would you do with it? Imagining the future with lots of money can be fun. Some people spend a lot of time with thoughts like this. There is on-going research about the relationship between remembering the past and imagining the future. Depressed people seem to have difficulty in remembering aspects of the past as well as have trouble with some parts of imagining the future. ( See Endel Tulving’s work.) Apparently we sort of “remember” or construct the future in similar ways to remembering the past. I like that God has a future and a hope for us and that we can rest in His design for taking care of the past and the future.
Some Apologies Stink
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Taken from: Renee Garfinkle, Ph.D. Some non-apologies are worse than the "crime!" There’s the “I’m sorry you feel that way” which is a passive-aggressive way of saying, “up your nose with a rubber hose.” There are apologies that blame the victim, like Matt Lauer’s famous tweet to an intern: “ Always tried to be nice, Mark. Sorry you didn’t think so.” The poison at the heart of many statements that appear to be apologies is the deadly “but”, followed by excuses or worse, e.g., “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you said those things that just made me so mad…” Sorry folks, that’s no apology. A sincere apology acknowledges a specific action that caused harm. It takes full responsibility for that action. It demonstrates and expresses regret for the action and its effects. When possible, it offers compensation or redress, correction. And, this part’s important: a sincere apology promises (and even takes steps to insure) that it won’t happen again. Why is that so tough? Apologizing is difficult because it requires humility.
Perspective
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Been Through Something Huge?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A few days ago, a terrible tornado ripped through Moore, OK. Many children survived that event. If you or a child you know have been through a difficult divorce (and aren't they all in some ways), a surgery, a weather calamity or the like, you may benefit from knowing the following: *Kids who have been traumatized need to be surrounded by family and loved ones. Adults need this too. *Parents can offer kids empathy and let them talk when they are ready, emphasis on when they are ready. This applies to adults as well. *Limit kids' exposure to news reports or discussion of the event. *Adults limit going over and over and over the event.
Satan's Lie
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The fundamental deception of Satan is the lie that obedience can never bring happiness. By: R. C. Sproul
Beyond Words
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Most of us love words. We read. We chat with friends. We write on Facebook and in emails. Words are even in our heads bouncing around in conversations with ourselves and in potential conversations with others. Yet words do not carry us the way sight, symbols, and sound can. Often there is deep meaning in scenes around us, in pictures, and in song. These experiences move us to a place past words. Like digging in or smelling fresh soil in spring, there is something about wordless perception that brings us beyond ourselves. Songs of praise and seeing God’s greatness in our mind’s eye is like that. Connecting to God this way brings us uniquely and freely to Him who creates all perception. It lifts us out of ourselves; out of our sometimes unending words, to experience ourselves with Him in sweet communion.
Compassion Makes You Happy and Wise
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Adapted from: Emma M. Seppala, Ph.D. A closer look at our own experiences as well as research data suggests that the secret to lasting happiness does not lie in any goods, relationships or achievements, but rather in what we can give: not just material gifts, but gifts of time, gifts of love, gifts of ourselves. Compassion and service don't just make us happy but they also have a host of other associated benefits and may even contribute to a longer life. Here's how: *Compassion Makes You Happy" A brain-imaging study headed by neuroscientist Jordan Grafman from the National Institute of Health showed that the "pleasures centers" in the brain, i.e. the parts of our brains that are active when we experience pleasure (like dessert, money, sex) are equally active when we observe someone giving money to charity as when we receive money ourselves! Giving to others even increases well-being above and beyond spending money on ourselves. In a revealing experiment published in Science by Harvard Business School professor Michael Norton, participants received a sum of money. Half of the participants were instructed to spend the money on themselves and the other half were told to spend the money on others. At the end of the study, participants that had spent money on others felt significantly happier than those that had spent money on themselves. This is true even for infants! A recent study by Elizabeth Dunn and colleagues at the University of British Columbia shows that, even in children as young as 2, giving treats to others increases their happiness more than receiving treats themselves. *Compassion Makes You Wise" One reason compassion makes us happy is by broadening our perspective beyond ourselves. We know from research on anxiety and depression that these tense and unhappy states are highly self-focused. During stress or sadness, we are usually focused on the things that are going wrong in our lives. Research shows that depression and anxiety are linked to a state of self-focus, a preoccupation with "me, myself, and I." When you do something for someone else, however, that state of self-focus immediately dissolves. Now think of a time you were feeling blue and suddenly a close friend or relative called you for urgent help with a problem. All of a sudden your attention was on helping them. Rather than feeling blue, you began to feel energized and before you knew it, you may even have felt better and had gained some perspective on your own situation as well.
What's Your Name Again?
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
At the supermarket a woman with four boys and a baby made her way through her list...her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop. Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word 'Mommy' for at least ten minutes!" The boys were silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's clothes and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."
Wired for Connection
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Our brains and bodies are wired for connection. We secrete the hormone oxytocin when we connect. Parents and babies, husbands and wives, children and parents, friends...If it is a positive connection we destress with feelings of happiness. If we fight, have trauma, continue to be in injurious positions in life, the oxytocin receptors shut down. However, these connections can be restored. Isn't God good to give us healing? (Inspired by recent research and God's word).
We All Have Needs
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC, Kathy Ann Ward, LPC, CSAC
We all have basic needs to be valued, accepted, and understood. Think about a difficult person in your life, and, with God's help, perhaps identify the need that may be unsatisfied in them. Pray for the person and yourself. Remember that God demonsrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Procrastination Because of Anxiety
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are anxiety-related causes (as well as other causes) of procrastination. Here is one way to understand the anxiety related cause, and one way to start overcoming it. You are overwhelmed resulting in putting things off. Example: you get overloaded by the many notices your child brings from school. They need swimming gear on Thursday, something for Show-and-Tell on Monday, $2 for a project in two weeks due on Wednesday etc., etc. For overload such as this you need a reliable way to be reminded only on the day or time required to provide for the need. Break up the tasks. Put the required prep time for each individual thing on a phone calendar, a fridge calendar, or the like. This way your energy will only go to the thing at hand and not be continually spent in worry over the group of demands coming your way.
The Battle is Not Ours
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Our true battle is not with who or what we see, but with the unseen powers and principalities who seek to tear down faith in the Lord. The enemy speaks lies to our minds but the truth of God dissolves deceptions. Go to Him who replaces comdemning and angry thoughts with clarity and confidence in Christ. The war in the heavenlies has already been won, so enlist in the Lord’s army. Your battle is His battle.
Crumpled and Stepped On
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Crumpled and Stepped On (Copied from a post by Rita Scott, author unknown) A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it...?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you and to God who loves you most. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don't EVER forget it."
De-Stress Now: Hints for the Harried
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
When you feel stressed out, do not try to overhaul your life; you barely have energy to juggle what’s before you. Put your favorite de-stressors to work right away; do not wait for the ‘right time.’ 1.) Plan your day with short ‘time outs’ in it for de-stressing. 2.) Keep three or four snacks available (avoid carbohydrate dense foods). 3.) After chores are done, shut off cell phone, laptop, and computer. 4.) Find a group of stretches or exercises in tune with your likes and take five or ten minutes with them. 5.) Prepare a prayer when rested to read and pray when things get out of hand. Place it where you are able to get at it in stressful times or memorize it. Gathered from varied sources.
Investing in Fruit
David Jeremiah
All good works are good, but not all good works will last forever. The ultimate joy in life comes when we invest in things that will bear fruit both now and for eternity.
Connecting on Facebook
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
This is common sense I suppose; we now know that posting on Facebook causes people to feel less lonely. (Study by: Deters, F. G., & Mehl, M. R. 2012, in press). It's about connectedness. We all want to belong to someone, a family, a group, a culture. We can connect in positive ways affirming and encouraging each other, or negative ways belittling, shaming, or shunning one another. What is difficult in social media is separating the real from the imagined or projected. Without voice, touch, or eyesight in the actual presence of a person, (meaning availing ourselves of a myriad of human-to-human relationsal cues) we have a lot more latitude to connect either way without immediate consequence.
Henri Nouwen
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The Catholic theologian Henri Nouwen wrote that; "...the minister is called to recognize the sufferings of his time in his own heart and make that recognition the starting point of his service. Whether he tries to enter into a dislocated world, relate to a convulsive generation, or speak to a dying man, his service will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by suffering about which he speaks."
Please Hear What I am Saying
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me. Pretending is an art that's second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled. I give you the impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me.... Beneath lies no complacence. Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness. But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed... Finn Poem - Partial - 1966
Mocking In Families
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer regarding the shamed based communication and its impact on family members.
Scared of My Daughter's Friends
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer regarding parenting concerns when a adolescent daughter connects with friends that seem unhealthy for her.
Lack of Progress in Counseling
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer regarding concern about receiving help, the resistance involved and setting goals.
Depression At Christmas
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer regarding depression that is often triggered during the Christmas season.
Grieving Another Divorce
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer expressing the anger and hurt one can feel during a divorce in the face of some Christians
An Affair: The Anguish of Betrayal
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer about surviving the discovery of an affair by ones spouse
Addictive Patterns and Relationships
A "Dear Rosa" question and answer regarding the process of breaking free from addictive patterns in relationships
