Articles about Shame
Shame vs. Honesty
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Shame is the single most inhibitor to any individual's development of honesty. God's proomise of honesty to us paves the way to our increased ability to relate honestly with Him and with those around us.
The Look of God
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The power of a look. When someone looks at another's face they see the inner thoughts or feelings of that person. What do people see when they look at our faces?
Sabotaging Love
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Many experiences of being shamed for one's thoughts and feelings create the idea that one can search for but never find love. God's promise is that He gives us power, love, and sound thinking as we walk with Him.
Shame and Christmas
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
The word "Christmas" originates from a word that actually means "Christ's festival". Shame inhibits us from being able to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. Five lies shame promotes are identified and discussed.
Trusting God in Trials and Sorrow
Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT
Article depicts, through a teenager's story, how Christ will not delay his provision, safety, strength, and love when we endure trials and suffering.
Moving From Shame To Respect
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Moving away from a sense of shame to self respect is very important to our mental and even physical health. Shame means to operate out of a "down deep" sense of not being good enough or that something is very wrong with us. This article gives great guidelines for healthy ways that combat a shame based way of living.
Family and Self Care After Divorce
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A look at the effects of divorce on adults and children and how to cope. This includes five very straightforward supportive directions for the adult raising kids after the divorce.
Suggestions For Clarity In Relationships
Author Unknown, Edited by Brenda Spina, M.S.,LMFT, LPC
This handout provides a list of specific response one can use when behavior in relationship becomes intrusive or offensive.
Respect in Families
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are three foundational principles that make respect in families happen. Following these principles may be challenging but are also an expression of our commitment to following the examples laid before us by the Lord. In part one, respect is defined and a brief look at grandiosity is taken.
Different Culture, Equal Honor: Viewpoints on Shame
Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT
Family and individual rituals can look different, but are equally valued by God. Article shows how to bring sensitivity and honor to these rituals, when culture or economic and social status are different between people.
Money Through The Ages: Changing Our Generational Views
Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT
Our generational family history can influence our current views on money for ourselves and for our families. This article describes six signs of generational financial bondage, and three ways to step into new Biblical, healthy perspectives on money management.
On-Line Gaming: How Much is too Much?
Suzan Myhre, M.S.S.W., LICSW, LPC
Article explores the explosion of the online gaming industry and the tough decisions parents have to make about hours spent gaming. In it is a set of signs that identify if there is a problem or even an addiction present.
Launching Adolescents: A Family Affair
Suzan Myhre, M.S.S.W., LICSW, LPC
Launching Adolescents describes some of the difficulties young adults face as they plan to launch from their homes into the world.
Connecting on Facebook
Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC
This is common sense I suppose; we now know that posting on Facebook causes people to feel less lonely. (Study by: Deters, F. G., & Mehl, M. R. 2012, in press). It's about connectedness. We all want to belong to someone, a family, a group, a culture. We can connect in positive ways affirming and encouraging each other, or negative ways belittling, shaming, or shunning one another. What is difficult in social media is separating the real from the imagined or projected. Without voice, touch, or eyesight in the actual presence of a person, (meaning availing ourselves of a myriad of human-to-human relationsal cues) we have a lot more latitude to connect either way without immediate consequence.
Perfectionism and the Parent-Child Relationship
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
In the parent-child relationship, perfectionism sets up unrealistic standards of behavior and performance for the child. When the child does not meet these expectations, the child is subtly shamed. The parent views the imperfections as a personal attack and may withhold words of affirmation or touch or may be harsh with discipline. In turn, this causes a rift in the relationship. The child responds by either internalizing the parents' disappointment and begins to think negatively about himself or externalizes the disappointment and lashes out at others when they do not meet arbitrary expectations. Although well meaning, the parents' responses to imperfection stifle growth. The child has a need to be loved unconditionally and accepted regardless of performance and behavior.
Games People Play to Avoid Taking Responsibility
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
People, because they fear they will lose love or arouse anger if they honestly and directly ask for what they want, often learn to get their needs met by indirect means. Games are dishonest maneuvers designed to get someone to do something by making them feel guilty, fearful, or sorry. Games only work if someone consciously or unconsciously agrees to be the victim and someone the rescuer.
Guess What?
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
There are specific dynamics that hinder communication. One is to withhold out of fear of another’s anger or distancing behavior. Brenda briefly discusses the healthy way to think about sharing and receiving the perspective of another person.
Act on Truth
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Remaining in truth takes courage. It does not matter whether it is financial, spiritual, emotional, relational or physical truth. If you have given in to fear, shame, hiding, or shame about how you are not truthful, you have given your control away. When we tolerate and believe the lies of these emotions, we become brothers to destruction. I believe each of you reading this do not wish to be a brother or sister to destroying your life. Diligence in pursuing truth is tough work. However, you are not alone. Hold steady! You are reclaiming your God-given gift of personal control.
Taking Sober Stock
Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW
Before our oldest daughter was born, my husband and I attended a very thorough and thoughtful parenting class. I remember the speaker saying "conflict is normal and needs to be negotiated." This simple statement was profound for me. Like many people, I don't like conflict. However, we all have to deal with conflict and the closer we are to someone, the more opportunity there is for conflict. The upside to this is that in healthy close relationships there is usually a greater commitment to resolve the conflict. The first step in resolving conflict is to always take sober stock in yourself, and ask yourself "how did I contribute to this?" and "what could I have done differently?" While it is tempting to point the finger at the other guy, the blame and shame game has never helped nor resolved anything.
Rebuilding Trust
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
Trust is precious. Once lost trust becomes priceless. Brenda outlines 4 steps to practice that may help rebuild trust but, more importantly, help us live with a greater sense of peace within.
ASK!
Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC
A = Accepting we are not all knowing or all powerful sounds like a no-brainer. However, our pride often inhibits our ability to accept the reality of our need. Accept your limitations. S = Searching out requires giving voice to your need or question. So many roadblocks may seem present due to feelings of shame, not understanding the depth of our need, or just because prior to this we have been able to figure things out. Keep searching! There is no shame in searching for the answers you long for. K = Kinship is a blessing that increases when we accept and insist on the search. It is the squeaky door that gets oiled. Accepting and searching bring us to the knowledge of our place in the family of humanity. We are all in this together so let’s keep asking until the answers come!
Shame and Guilt
Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC
Shame and guilt are different. Guilt says, "I did something wrong" and causes us to turn to the other person and desire to make it right. Shame says, "I am made wrong" and it causes us to turn away from others. We are made for relationship. We need people and people need us. We all have shame and relationship is the antidote. Don't let your shame keep you from connecting with loved ones.
