> Practical Family Living

Anger, The "A" Word

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Anger is a word that creates great discomfort for many people. However, there are many reasons why anger can be a positive contribution to any relationships

Honesty

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Deciding to be honest is only the beginning of living an honest life. c onsciously choosing to not deceive is an ongoing journey that challenges the reality of who we are and where belonging begins.

The Walk of Intimacy

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

We need intimacy. Defining what intimacy is and allowing God to increase our ability to give and receive intimacy aids each of us in our growth process. This article includes and exercise for all to identify possible underlying assumptions that may inhibit and increase the potential for intimacy.

Self Sabatoge and Secret Affections

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

In the recovery process, a new kind of honesty is needed to become all that God would have. This article takes a look at one way in which honesty can be helpful in the healing of our ability to relate as God would have us to.

When Bereavement and Holidays Walk Together

Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT

Roles and traditions between family members, especially during the holidays, can be altered when a loved one dies. Article brings tips on coping with this sensitive family issue.

Tearing Down the Wall Through Forgiveness

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

What forgiveness really is and how relationships can be restored

Changing Our Hearts by Changing Our Minds

We can take the pressure off others to change by focusing on our own issues, because the only person we can really change is ourselves.

Advent Traditions

This article provides many ideas to help you and your family celebrate Advent - with special ways to prepare your hearts and minds for the coming of the Christmas season.

Behaviors That Inhibit Clarity in Relationships

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Behaviors and thoughts that inhibit relationships

Moving From Shame To Respect

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Moving away from a sense of shame to self respect is very important to our mental and even physical health. Shame means to operate out of a "down deep" sense of not being good enough or that something is very wrong with us. This article gives great guidelines for healthy ways that combat a shame based way of living.

A Parent's Guide To Minimizing Sibling Rivalry

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Although sibling rivalry exists in virtually every family, parents can be proactive in helping to minimize sibling rivalry and helping children develop positive life long relationships with their siblings.

Suggestions For Clarity In Relationships

Author Unknown, Edited by Brenda Spina, M.S.,LMFT, LPC

This handout provides a list of specific response one can use when behavior in relationship becomes intrusive or offensive.

Kids in the Wheelbarrow: Cultivating Trust in the Home

Explore your definition of trust, discover what trust means in your home, and begin to cultivate a trusting environment.

Christmas Shocking

Christmas this year may not happen as you picture it. When things do not go as planned, you may experience Christmas culture shock.

Tips for Talking About Finances

Talking about money can lead to conflict, but research shows that having a plan on how to handle disagreements leads to happier marriages. This article provides some useful tips on handling your differences regarding finances.

Blended Families and Teens

Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT

Blended families can be challenging for everyone, especially a teenager. Article describes these challenges and ways to help your teen navigate the ups and downs.

What Teens Want Parents to Understand

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Some teens believe that parents "don't get it" or "just don't understand." Recently, I asked teens to help me understand what it was like to be a teenager. This article reports their comments.

Drunk With Hope: God's Help for Addiction and Emotional Wounds

Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT

Emotional wounds can negatively influence relationships which can lead to addictive behaviors. Article explores how to put God’s truth into emotional pain, thus taking the first step in freedom from addiction.

Working Hard To Be Liked

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

People pleasers work very hard to be liked and crave love and acceptance from others at the cost of their own identity. The real person can become lost in the daze of perceived expectations. But there is good news.

The Inner-Workings of People Problems

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

As therapists at the Center for Family Healing, we sometimes give seminars about ‘people problems.’ Anxiety, stress, depression and various personality/relationship concerns are what we work with every day. This article points the reader to reading material that will help understand some of these matters. The article also discusses letting go of, when appropriate, impossibly tangled people problems.

What Men Wish Women Knew

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Interviewing a number of gentlemen, Brenda presents concisely and directly the thoughts and concerns these men expressed regarding the women most important to them. Covering acceptance, purpose, affection, and trust, these men placed themselves in a vulnerable position to help us understand pieces of their experience and commitment to the people they love.

Powerful Dads and Pretty Daughters

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Dads have a tremendous amount of influence in the lives of their daughters. This article outlines the ways in which Dads make a powerful impact both positively and negatively.

Moms' To Do List

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Moms are good at taking care of their loved ones but often do not take time for themselves. This article offers encouragement to moms to care for their needs and discusses ways moms can be proactive by nurturing their minds, bodies and spirits.

Surprise, Surprise: Not Everyone Likes Their Family Christmas

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Family gatherings are not always pleasant. We may not even like our family. What is the difference between like and love? This article tells how to separate behavior from the person or the family we are to love. We can not like or even accept behavior and still love the person. Separating the deed from the doer as we learn to love one another as we love ourselves is a big task. With God being invited into the center of this command, we will be able to follow it.

"The Talk"

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

The mere thought of having "the talk" about sexuality with their children often makes parents shudder and want to head for the hills. Parents take heart. This article encourages parents as it provides a step by step nonthreatening approach to discussing sexuality.

Encouraging the Growth Mindset in Children

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Parents naturally want the best for their children and can be instrumental in helping their children become resilient to challenges. This article informs parents on recent research and ways they can encourage their children to have a growth mindset.

Twelve Years, Ten Lessons

Mary Lambrecht, M.S. LMFT

An article of tribute and thanksgiving. As Mary Lambrecht follows God's call to Texas, she shares ten basic lessons learned in the therapy room and in ministry through The Center for Family Healing and Practical Family Living.

Peace and Goodwill Towards Men

Kathy Ann Ward, MA, LPC-T, CSAC

Using scripture readings to keep, or find, the peace and joy in your interpersonal relationships over the holidays.

The Golden Rule for Cyberspace

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Most of our teens know how to work with technology but few realize how technology works. As parents and educators who love our teens, it is part of our job to educate them that what they post online can change the course of their lives. This article provides tips to share with our beloved teens.

Grant Us Peace

Kathy Ann Ward, MA, LPC-T, CSAC

Respond, not react. It is what we are encouraged to do in order to cope effectively with relationship conflict. The desire is to respond calmly, with a clear mind. Instead, there are those times we react in anger, followed by regret. This article discusses how to manage emotions during conflict.

Compassion Makes You Happy and Wise

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Adapted from: Emma M. Seppala, Ph.D. A closer look at our own experiences as well as research data suggests that the secret to lasting happiness does not lie in any goods, relationships or achievements, but rather in what we can give: not just material gifts, but gifts of time, gifts of love, gifts of ourselves. Compassion and service don't just make us happy but they also have a host of other associated benefits and may even contribute to a longer life. Here's how: *Compassion Makes You Happy" A brain-imaging study headed by neuroscientist Jordan Grafman from the National Institute of Health showed that the "pleasures centers" in the brain, i.e. the parts of our brains that are active when we experience pleasure (like dessert, money, sex) are equally active when we observe someone giving money to charity as when we receive money ourselves! Giving to others even increases well-being above and beyond spending money on ourselves. In a revealing experiment published in Science by Harvard Business School professor Michael Norton, participants received a sum of money. Half of the participants were instructed to spend the money on themselves and the other half were told to spend the money on others. At the end of the study, participants that had spent money on others felt significantly happier than those that had spent money on themselves. This is true even for infants! A recent study by Elizabeth Dunn and colleagues at the University of British Columbia shows that, even in children as young as 2, giving treats to others increases their happiness more than receiving treats themselves. *Compassion Makes You Wise" One reason compassion makes us happy is by broadening our perspective beyond ourselves. We know from research on anxiety and depression that these tense and unhappy states are highly self-focused. During stress or sadness, we are usually focused on the things that are going wrong in our lives. Research shows that depression and anxiety are linked to a state of self-focus, a preoccupation with "me, myself, and I." When you do something for someone else, however, that state of self-focus immediately dissolves. Now think of a time you were feeling blue and suddenly a close friend or relative called you for urgent help with a problem. All of a sudden your attention was on helping them. Rather than feeling blue, you began to feel energized and before you knew it, you may even have felt better and had gained some perspective on your own situation as well.

Make A New Plan, Stan

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

A tendency I see in some is to avoid facing that there is a problem…a problem that continues to set them up to be deflated, discouraged, and overwhelmed. We keep “slipping out the back.” Yet, leaving the situation will not help in the long term. With the Lord’s promise to never leave or forsake us, we will make it through the difficulty.

Mean Girls

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

The psychological term for mean girls is relational aggression, which is covert bullying using emotionally abusive tactics, psychological control, and manipulation. The added kicker is that not only you as an individual are attacked, but your peer relationships and social status are undermined. Relational aggression occurs more among girls than boys. What can parents/teachers/concerned adults do? Recognize it starts as early as four years old-much earlier than people think. Often this behavior is hidden from others; a “let’s not play with so and so” is covered with a layer of pretended sweetness in the company of adults. Watch for it. Put a verbal and behavioral stop to it immediately and as often as it occurs.

Confession & Consideration

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Seeking happiness? We may underestimate something that gives it, especially in important relationships. That something is consideration. Simple, small gestures of kindness go a huge way in stopping tense and negative relationship strain. Gestures such as: a kind word, a nice card, an affectionate hug with no expectation in return, or speaking in a soft loving tone. Where does the go power come from to change a negative position to a positive stance with a loved one? At its most effective it comes from confession to God of our helplessness, anger, or grudges. After genuine confession, a sense of gratitude and being forgiven renews our outlook. It is then we are able to be generous - after we have been treated generously by our loving God.

It's Just a TV Show...Right?

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Keep your marriage fresh and alive. How? Turn off the TV. Programs that show unrealistic, unstable ups and downs, trust betrayed, and come close/go away relationships of many television programs (often soaps) actually negatively impact marriage. -Science Daily, "Then TV and Marriage Meet: TV's Negative Impact on Romantic Relationships" (9/12)

Interesting Brain Function Info from our Mental Health Clinic

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

*Research findings in brain function in Center for Family Healing therapy with couples and individuals: (More found at pfl.org.) An interesting aspect of recent relationship research is that the brain triggers hormones, with both positive and negative results, as people relate to each other. Knowing how and when the brain is triggered in relationships is key to good therapy. At the Center for Family Healing, the therapist teaches individuals, couples, and families to find healthy ways to respond to tension in their relationships. How people respond to tension within themselves or in a relationship will help clients achieve their personal and relationship goals. *Just a note: “Relationships and the Brain” is found this week in the rotating articles featured on the homepage of pfl.org. This article gives a small glimpse of a focused five-day exclusive training the therapists at the Center received directly from the author of Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances from Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships (Norton Professional Books). Brent Atkinson, the author of this book, was brought by the Center for a five-day seminar to teach seven of the CFH therapists the neurobiology of relationships and therapeutic interventions that work based on this data. The article refers also to the 2009 Summer PFL Newsletter wherein therapists write about their work having to do with relationships and the brain. In addition, if one writes “brain” in the search engine at pfl.org, 27 articles and broadcasts come up for your information regarding how the brain works in relationships.

Hyper-Alert?

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

There are people on hyper-alert much of the time. To them every little thing needs examination. They seem to react to the smallest detail just slightly off balance especially in relationships as in "I saw you look at me funny, why did you do that?" We can think paranoia when this happens, but true paranoia aside; there are other things to consider. Usually this person has been under a great deal of stress for a good length of time. Most of the time for the overly alert person, the long term stress has been repeated, with intervals of non-stress of course, beginning first in childhood. I say in intervals because a good bit of mental health survives, grows, and continues for long periods of time as an adult even if you have had to be on hyper-alert as a child. These intervals of peace multiply the more there are periods of time when the need for constant attention to real or perceived danger goes away.

No One Listens to Me

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Do you have the sense that you are often being ignored or brushed aside? If it happens a lot at work, in your marriage, or at social gatherings it is a sign that your relationships are in trouble. People listen to people they like. They also listen to people who respect themselves and others in a mutual way. If you have an angry or bitter air about you, people are not likely to listen to you. Doing an inventory of your own may help. Do you respect yourself? Are you consistently angry or negative? Do you like the people you are talking to? Be honest with yourself. Chances are one or more of these conditions are hurting your input into the conversation.

Reflections: Are You Lovable?

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Love relationships are a mirror. We learn how and if we are lovable only by our interactions with people we love. Young children don’t think about the overworked mother who is stressed or a raging father’s childhood, they simply attribute negative exchanges as a reflection of their unworthiness. As children who mature or as adult children of these relationships, it is important first to know that the relationship where you learned your lovability or lack of lovability is the faulty part, not you as a person. That, simply put, is the healing part of recovery. God is not mad at you. He loves you. When the mirror reflects God’s love toward you, it is possible for a love filled life.

The Upside of Change

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

We all get into patterns of acting and reacting to one another; especially in close relationships. However, sometimes those actions and reactions are unhealthy and need to change in order for the relationship to flourish. We not only need to be willing, but we also need to make a conscious effort, to change our patterns of behavior. In the words of Albert Einstein: “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.”

Discernment

Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC

Discernment is an important and often overlooked ability in our relativistic society. Even though it's not a popular term it's still a necessary part of having healthy boundaries with ourselves and others. There is a law of cause and effect. Being able to discern right from wrong and using discernment in our relationships keep us from many pitfalls and pains. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you today as you make decisions in your daily life. Remember - if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.

CFH - New Groups Forming for Spring 2015

CFH - NEW GROUPS FORMING FOR SPRING 2015 Title: Putting Fear in Its Place Facilitated by: Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC A 4-week group that focuses on overcoming fears that feed unhealthy behavior. Dates: Tuesdays, March 31 through April 21, 2015, 6-7:30 pm Cost: $15/per person, per week ($60 for 4 weeks) Title: Healthy Relationships & Boundaries Facilitated by: Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT-T, LPC-T. We live in a boundary-breaking world. It's not uncommon to feel taken advantage of or to take advantage of others. Most people can relate to wanting to say "no" but saying yes and then regretting it. And who does have more on their plate than they can handle? Stress, anxiety, and depression are at an all time high. So, how do we know what is our responsibility and what isn't? How can we say "no" and take care of our own needs without feeling guilty? Having healthy boundaries is how! Come to this 8-week class and learn how to take control of your life. Dates: Thursdays, April 9 – May 29, 2015, 6-7:30 Cost: $15.00 per week per person ($120 for 8 weeks) or $100.00 (for all 8 weeks) if paid in full at beginning of group. Title: Cultivate Your Marriage: Couples Intensive Facilitated by: Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW Description: Marriage can be wonderfully fulfilling. Learn ways to cultivate and enhance your marriage. Dates: Thursday, April 30 and May 7, 2015, 6-8 pm Cost: $25/per person, per week ($50/single, $100/couple total for both weeks) Location: Center for Family Healing,1476 Kenwood Dr., Menasha, WI 54952

EQ: What Emotional Intelligence Is and How to Develop It

Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC

Emotional intelligence is integral to mental and relational health. Understanding emotions, their impact on individuals and relationships, and learning how to use this information sets us up for success in life.

Knowing IF and WHEN to Have Difficult Conversations

Laura Demetrician, M.S., LMFT

Difficult conversations can easily go awry. Learn some strategies to determine IF and WHEN to have a difficult conversation.

Secrets and Shame

Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC

If you or someone close to you struggles with secret sins such as pornography use, bulimia, or alcohol dependence, know today that you are not alone and you are not without hope. People can and do gain the insight, skills, and healing necessary to overcome any addiction or habit. God has given us the ability and tools necessary to create lasting change in our lives and relationships. And the approach He takes is specific to our needs. He often uses a combination of revealed and common grace. God’s love and power is revealed to us through His Word and is made available through the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross and His resurrection. His common grace is accessible through study of the world and its rules. Don’t live in shame and secrecy any longer. Find someone skilled and educated in the nature of addiction with an understanding of how to gain victory. Come into the light and get help today.

Right? Relationship? Some Strange Mix?

Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC

Everyone is different and sometimes we have trouble communicating and understanding each other. So what's the answer? Check out this article for some tips.

Right? Relationship? Some Strange Mix? And the Holidays

Carrissa Pannuzzo, M.A., LMFT, LPC

The holidays are upon us and we often find ourselves spending time with family or friends that we do not see the rest of the year. With this increased exposure to our families of origin we often find ourselves or our spouses acting strangely around our or their own family. This year, consider the following words and give yourself permission to be different, to have healthy boundaries, and to love the difficult and the different.

Taking Sober Stock

Christine Vander Wielen, M.S.W., LCSW

Before our oldest daughter was born, my husband and I attended a very thorough and thoughtful parenting class. I remember the speaker saying "conflict is normal and needs to be negotiated." This simple statement was profound for me. Like many people, I don't like conflict. However, we all have to deal with conflict and the closer we are to someone, the more opportunity there is for conflict. The upside to this is that in healthy close relationships there is usually a greater commitment to resolve the conflict. The first step in resolving conflict is to always take sober stock in yourself, and ask yourself "how did I contribute to this?" and "what could I have done differently?" While it is tempting to point the finger at the other guy, the blame and shame game has never helped nor resolved anything.

Bitter Moments

Brenda Spina, M.S., LMFT, LPC

Walking along a shoreline, I discovered a small stone that was smooth and soft. Not one piece of the stone had protruding, sharp edges. The years of wave upon wave, nearby stones, and weather had worn away the cutting rough edges. Long lasting relationships do the same. Those bitter moments when we clash become events which wear away the protruding, sharp edges in us. Bitter moments navigated invite closeness…growth. Shun these moments and we may find ourselves completely alone. Inspired by: Proverbs 14:10

The Lies in Our Head

Lynda Savage, M.S., LMFT, LPC

We often tell ourselves a story about other's motives. The made up story in our heads is logical to us when another's behavior is puzzling. These stories are more often than not bogus; absolute lies we "figure out" to protect ourselves. Risk asking for clarity. Lies we tell ourselves about others wreck our relationships and our peace.